I need to emotionally dump. It's gonna be a doozy of a dump. Kaiser doesn't have enough therapists and I don't really want to dump on any of my friends or family. If you don't read all this, I 100% get it. But if you do, I appreciate you.

My Aussie mix, Roxie, was my whole world. I rescued her when she was 10 and we became best friends. She went to work with me, visited friends and families with me, went hiking and camping and exploring with me, cuddled every morning with me. Every moment revolved around her and I was so happy to have it that way. She had a hard life before me and I wanted to give her everything she missed out on.

Her previous person loved her to bits, but his house burnt down and then his business went under at the beginning of COVID. She got loose and ran up to me one night in early 2021 and we instantly clicked. She hadn't had actual dog food in a couple years so her fur was half gone and her skin was freaking out, and she had been run over a couple times so one of her legs was still healing from the most recent one. But I thought she was so precious. When I finally found her owner, he asked me to please give her a better life because his heart was breaking for her every day, and I couldn't say no. She saved me as much as I saved her, if not more.

We became instant best friends. She helped me through a ridiculously difficult break-up, and moved a thousand miles away with me. We camped the whole trip and she had a blast! It was incredible. Her hair started growing back, and I remember the first time she ran after her leg healed enough before we moved. I remember how silly it looked when her long hairs would blow in the wind, while her other hairs were too short to move. She didn't know any better though, she was so happy. She had the most beautiful splotchy nose, and the kindest eyes. She was the most quiet dog I've ever met. I heard her bark three times in our two and a half years: two of those times were at cows, of all things. She was the messiest drinker on the planet, and she was always right there if the fridge door opened. When she would go into the river, she'd walk along the bank in the water and dip her head in like a duck. She greeted every vendor at work with a happy helicopter nub, and even the president and CEO (my supervisor's supervisor) loved her. She loved kids! She was always loving on my little cousins and licking them in their ears. She was so gentle and they loved her. I could say so much more about her -- she really did become my very best friend.

In early 2023, she was diagnosed with cancer in an inoperable area in and around her bladder. Even the specialty vet didn't want to operate on her. She was prescribed medications to slow the growth and ease any pain, and was given a year more to live. I was heartbroken but made sure to do everything in my power to make life extra special.

Sadly, she only made it a little over six months. Two weeks before this Christmas, she became incredibly ill, at lightning speed. Within 24 hours she went from her normal happy self to a dog that wouldn't move, wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink unless it was brought to her. The sparkle just left her eyes -- she seemed so tired. So we went to the vet to ease her suffering. I did everything I could not to cry during, because she hated when I cried. She would pace around in front of me, lick my face, and her eyebrows would look genuinely concerned. So I told her so many nice things, and petted her the whole time, and laid my head on her just like we would every morning. But this time she didn't nuzzle into me and fall asleep and start snoring, of course. This time she was already gone. I told her how much I loved her and gave her a kiss and went home.

I haven't been the same since. Every day gets more difficult without her, and more real. I cry so much and everything reminds me of her. I feel like if I were to be honest about how much I'm actually struggling, nobody would understand because she wasn't a human. But I've never had a human death hurt this bad. I just want my girl back. I wanna see her nub twitch when I pull out her treats. I wanna go on a hike with her. I wanna fall asleep together on the ground for another twenty minutes before going to work with her. The hole she left in my life is unimaginable and I didn't prepare enough emotionally. I thought I had more time and now she's gone.