I've always hated sports, in school PE class scared the hell out of me, it would litteraly make me sick.

I did some collective sports outside of school but I always stopped quickly because I either didn't like it, or either because I just plainly sucked. In every way, I was always bad at physical activity.

I recently decided to workout again, 2 year after stopping. Some things are still "registered" in my body, like push-ups, I can do 10 at most and do not struggle like I used to when I started 2 years before.

At first it was because I wanted to look good and thin, and didn't care about gaining strength. But the more I go, the more I want to get strong. I've always been weak and I am so tired and frustrated to still be so weak. It's been a month, I can't even lift 3kg x 15 without having my muscles dropping me. The worst is that it's almost like if I could do more, I know there is "something" left, but I just can't? Like if my body was restraining itself all alone. It's so frustrating. And then we always think "if you are small don't focus on strength but on endurance"... I can't run 60 seconds without being out of breath and lightheaded. Really damn frustrating.

Today I wanted to help my dad carry something heavy (patio door), I just couldn't do it. It's so pathetic.

And let's not start with people WHO NEVER LIFT ANYTHING OR TRAIN being stronger than me.

Due to all of that, knowing that I am so weak, I'm so insecure and scared about everything. I need someone stronger than me, with me, so I could feel safe. BUT I HATE THAT. I want to be the strong one. It makes me so insecure, it makes me feel like I'm a tiny insect amongst the giants.

I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never get strong, or at least as strong as the common damn human being. I'm kind of the verge of crying, not gonna lie, I feel powerless.