After 2 days of tapering with a mix of CBD/THC joints (1 per day), today is my first THC free day in months. I'm hoping to take a week long T break before going on vacation to better enjoy smoking on the trip, but I've mulling over my use and recognize I need to make changes to improve my health/well-being. I don't know what my plan will be when I get back, but just wanted to get my thoughts out and advice/relatable comments are welcomed.

I started smoking consistently in March 2020 to cope with the pandemic stress overlapping with devastating realizations about my trauma/family life. In 2022 I got a medical card for PTSD and I do feel that weed has supported me in processing some of my deep rooted issues from childhood consisting of emotionally immature parents, isolation, and neglect. It's allowed me to tolerate severe overstimulation during some intense grad school requirements (dx with ADHD, GAD, suspected ASD). I also think it has improved my relationship with my body and sexuality.

However now I am a year out of school, happily married, doing well in my career and have improved my boundaries/social skills. While I may be more reactive to daily life stressors than the average person, over the last 4 years I have learned so much about my behavior patterns and how to support my own needs. I'm at a point where the side effects of weed (for me it's brain fog, stuttering, and low quality sleep) outweigh the positives when used daily. Additionally, earlier this year I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and got medication (Vyvanse). This has really changed my life and provides a lot of benefits I get from weed to complete tasks and reduce anxiety.

Despite knowing the downsides, reducing my use has been something I've been dreading. I would say my typical use is somewhere between 1-2 grams of flower daily in the evening, although every time I'm about to take a break I tend to binge significantly by starting earlier and doubling or tripling my intake for several days. It actually fully makes me feel like shit, and I know this, but the weed goblin in me is short sighted and scared. It's also hard to distinguish myself from these urges during these times and in some ways it feels similar to other self destructive behaviors I've defeated in the past (tw: ED, ex I was bulimic and knew it was bad for me, but felt like I needed the relief).

Basically I feel myself really starting to outgrow weed but it's so hard to let go of this coping tool that I used to really need. I know at this point that I am truly seeking a high and feel like an addict with my daily use. I'd really like to be a weekend user, I still think it can be so fun for leisure, but that's not the relationship I'm able to have with it right now.

I know my path forward requires a steep reduction in use and likely a more extended break. I'm already trying to reduce harm by adding CBD, and I do have a lock box (which I unfortunately learned how to break into during my previous attempts so way less useful 🙄). It feels like I need to just care about myself enough to fully commit to specific conditions for use and/or take a solid break to reset. It's just so frustrating to have this be so clear on paper but struggle to follow through because my lingering self worth issues, positive feelings towards it and how much it used to help.

TLDR; weed was supportive in my healing process and personal growth, but the physical side effects of daily use are no longer worth it now that I'm in a better place. Despite being well aware of the negative effects day to day, I feel dependent on weed daily and wish I could be a weekend user because of the positives. Right now letting go of my routine feels so hard and I have a history of working around strategies I put in place when attempting to take breaks in the past.