I found out yesterday that I need to be tested for the possibility of a tumor on my kidneys.

I’m still taking care of Mom, and the what if’s are overwhelming. What if I do have cancer? Then who takes care of Mom? Aunt has Grandma to deal with and my siblings both work outside of the house. I promised I would do this for you and now I’m scared I can’t.

Dad, the doctor wanted to know if I had life insurance in place already. I do, but I’ve never had a doctor ask me that before. I went in for a potential heart issue left over from Covid, and now I have to see an oncologist and a geneticist and have a bunch of tests. I’m having flashbacks of when you went in to be seen for your heart and came out with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.

I’m trying to play it off in front of Mom like everything is gonna be ok and it’s all just precautionary but I’m freaking the fuck out and I want to scream and cry.

I have only told Mom some of it, as she needs to know why I have to go to so many appointments and I have to make arrangements to have someone come let the dog out. I did tell my sister though. She needs to know.

I’m so scared, Dad. I saw you go through treatment and Mom and now seeing Mom on hospice and it took you…and I am only 43. I’m not ready for this.