I should probably use a throwaway, but even just making a new account feels too overwhelming right now. I’m so tired.

Title is probably somewhat misleading—in all likelihood, the final straw for my pelvic floor was actually an ovarian cyst going pop out of the blue. But being called names, insulted, and gaslit by someone I loved more than life itself caused me a lot of emotional distress, which certainly contributed to my developing PFD.

I think of him when I try to stand up and my entire body seizes up in pain.

I think of him when it’s three a.m. and I’m crying in the bathroom because I can’t even do something as simple as using the toilet.

I think of him when I’m too scared to leave home because what if I piss myself and someone sees?

I don’t know how I’m supposed to get better like this. I can’t relax and let go: what if something awful happens to me again while my guard is down? Can’t control my breathing either—too anxious and panicked. And the thought of having a doctor or a PT touch me or even look at me? Makes me start shaking and crying.

Anyway. Sorry about all this. I’ve been having an especially hard time lately. Maybe it’s all the shit I’m self-medicating with. But yeah. That’s all I got.

Take care y’all.

EDIT: You are all so, so sweet. I’m speechless. Thank you for your kindness. ❤️