CW: childhood medical truama

For context, I never had any vaginal penetration, or explored it at all, until a year ago. This is out if medical necessity. I have to treat vaginismus and vulvodynia, have not had a pap yet (cant), have phobia around penetration (getting MUCH better), ect ect. I also have redundant vestibule tissue that is medically normal but way larger than statistically normal. It connects to my urethra for some reason. I was born with it and it was hyper sensitive (now just generally sensitive) until I used lidocaine for it.

Im in pelvic floor PT and have made a LOT of progress and learned a lot about my body.

Now, I have found actual vaginal penetration to feel very confusing. I just necer expected it to feel... like that, or to have a hole in that place. It sensationally felt like solid taint area until boom, there was stuff underneath/past it?? And, what I thought felt like vaginal penetration was not. It was my tissue and urethra being stimulated, and all on the outside- no actual penetration. Its... where I thought a hole would be if any. And I never thought inside would be that deep,idk why I just thought itd be like a short tunnel, not a deep thing that has... shape and structure abd expands at some point and??? Anyways, my sense of genital anatomy was never great and what I did have was weirdly off.

I had a traumatizing and dramatic catheter insertion when I was 5. I had to be held down but multiple nurses and was screaming. My mom had to leave the room. I remember screaming for her, white light and ceiling, the fact I was held down, and that it was unbearbly painful. This extra tissue- I was probably just born with it (best explaination doctors can give me) and it was highly sensitive.

Additionally, what I also notice with any vaginal penetration is a LOT of transferred sensation. It somwtimws feels like I'm touchibg the tissue but I'm not, or like I'm just rubbing/punching my bladder, or like my urethra is being seriously squished or full. Tmi? but I can have these faux orgasms if I have to pee (the urine pressing down on things inside) and the only erogenous sensation aside from my clit is that extra tissue/urethra area. What I thought was penetration.

I'm wondering- is it possible that my catheter insertion as a child, especially if I have a lot of transferred sensation and redundant vaginal mucosa literally connected to/going inside my urethra, have basically contributed to my brains body map? Like it somehow rewired where it percieved things to be?