Bad mental health day bear with me

We all try to be good parents. I love my brood more than anything but I know how I am. I have a slew of mental health issues- schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD. And my emotional state can be rocky sometimes. I have a large blended family; lots of personalities and attitudes. All this plus regular life stress becomes too much sometimes. I find myself regretting interactions with my kids semi often. Even on all my meds I'm on a rollercoaster. I find it difficult to keep it together sometimes. I used to spank my kids. I don't anymore cause it was just too easy to go overboard, which is an issue I have in many aspects of my life. I can go from laughing to yelling to crying in the course of a conversation about what we're doing this weekend and I don't know how to explain that to a kid. Like they know, dad's head messes with him, especially if he forgets to take his meds. They know this about me but is that a good thing? I freak out. A lot. When the kids get in trouble I freak out on them. Sometimes it isn't warranted. And in those times, I come back and apologize and try to talk. But at that point what does it matter? Damage done right? Imagine having your dad lose his shit on you for something like leaving the mill out on the counter overnight with no lid on it. Is it gonna matter when he comes back 10 minutes later to apologize and tell you it's no big deal? Apologies mean nothing without changed behavior. They're lies. I try to be a good dad. I'm the fun parent. On my good days, I'm the light hearted parent. But I know my mental health is like a cloud over my entire family. I know it affects them negatively.

One time, I was hanging out with one of my sons; we were heading to the barbershop and happened to be having a conversation about controlling your emotions and the way you react to things. Of course, I use myself as an example in a lot of these conversations. My son looked at me and told me that on my bad days he just tries to be in whatever room I'm not in. That way he knows he won't get in trouble. That was really kinda soul crushing. Because of the way I react to things my kids are low key afraid of me I think. Definitely high key afraid to tell me things which sucks especially because I'll have a house of teenagers in just 4 years. I don't want my kids to be afraid to tell me things like I was with my parents.

I know I'm not a bad parent. My kids have everything they need and just about everything they ask for. They're successful in school and have lots of friends. But I worry about the trauma I'm almost assuredly causing my kids. The triggers and responses they have and will have developed because of me. It kills me. But it's what's happening I'm watching it in real time. Even with the meds and therapy and all it's just a buffer. I don't think my kids think I'm a bad dad but I know they wish I was different.