I (36f) am a SAHM to two boys, 5yo and 3yo. This is going to be long and messy--because I'm a fucking mess right now--so TYIA to anyone who makes it to the end and responds.

I have struggled with anxiety disorders all my life and with depression for most of my life. I am medicated for both. I have received counseling for both, although I'm not currently in therapy.

Since my youngest was born, I just haven't been OK. I can barely control my anger towards my kids and I yell at them and get rough with them--primarily the 5yo--too often. It feels like my whole body is on fire and I grab a hand too hard or swat an arm or push a little too hard to get someone out the door/into the house, whatever it is. I know it's wrong. I know it makes things worse for everyone. If you're going to reply with links to studies about the damage I'm doing every time I lash out, save yourself the trouble because I have read them already and I know. I fucking know it's wrong.

But I just can't seem to control the anger.

My dad was never able to control his either. He hurt me physically and emotionally. I'm not sure if he knew it was wrong. At the time, he blamed it on me and how difficult I was. We are not close now, and I don't really want to dive into my parents because this is about me trying desperately to do better for my kids (and still failing).

When 3yo was about 8mo, the rage I was experiencing was diagnosed as Postpartum Anxiety. I started a mood stabilizer to cope with it and started running. Then came a pandemic. Eventually I also added weekly therapy to the mix (via video chat).

Things seemed to improve some, for a while, for the most part. But then my menstrual cycle came back after 18 months of lactational amenorrhea, and my moods started to shift again. This time the anger seemed especially unbearable in the week before my period, so I was diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I worked with my psychiatrist to adjust my anti-anxiety meds again, but it still wasn't enough. I talked to my OB/GYN and started taking birth control continuously to try to suppress my cycle and therefore the PMDD. I'm only on the 2nd month of this approach, so it's too soon to say if it works.

But in the meantime, while I wait for doctors' appointments and tinker with medications, my kids continue to suffer every time I lash out. I hate myself for it. I often wonder if they would be better off without me in their lives, that's how I'm afraid I am of my anger harming them.

I apologize every time I lash out. I have explained my mental health struggles in an age-appropriate way and tried to make it clear that this is not their fault, that I am still learning to control my emotions, just like they are, but I know it's not enough.

I try so hard to control it--primarily with medication and exercise--and I feel like I'm failing anyway.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Maybe just some encouragement, especially from someone who has been through something like this. Tell me how you got out, please. I guess I'm just looking for a little hope that I can make things better for myself, but especially for them.

They deserve so much better than me.