Rules to being a mom: 1. You are prohibited from getting sick. In the event that you do get sick, please do not expect anyone to give a shit as it is clearly your fault your child coughed directly into your mouth. You should know better.

1. Taking a shower/using the bathroom is now a team sport. Everyone is required to have equal playing time.

2. The phase “it’s bedtime and time to sleep” should not be interpreted to mean that either bedtime or sleep will take place.

3. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are optional. Child retains the right to reinstate these meal times at any given moment, particularly (but not limited too) when they are suddenly “starving” at bedtime.

4. All rules are subject to change at anytime, without any notice, based on the temperament of the child involved, acute emotional episodes of said child, and lunar tides. Mother in question is required to telepathically understand change in said rule and act accordingly.

Good luck moms.