(Two issues here) Hey so backstory I(F21) was parentified by my mum probably from around 11 upwards in the sense that she came to me when she was feeling emotional or upset about something. I dealt with a lot of her anxieties about my dad and their relationship and my grans behaviour (on my dad’s side, who has heavy narcissistic tendencies) plus money worries, job worries, friendship worries and worries about my younger sister.

First issue is: I find a habit I’ve picked up is that I don’t tell her a lot of things because of how I perceive she may take it. Her usual response to my problems is to worry and make it about her so I find I have to manage everything I say to her resulting in her not knowing much about aspects of my life such as sex, relationships, non-monogamy, drugs, protesting/politics etc. Shee knows some things about me and we do have a close relationship but I cherry pick what to tell her.

I am now however 21 and I want to be able to do these things without having to protect her from my reality. I know a lot of parents don’t want to know about this stuff and if it was avoidable I may not tell her it all BUT she’s also a mega helicopter parent so she’s got my location on her phone wants to know what I’m doing all the time etc (I’m at uni and living away from home) so sometimes I lie to her which just feels like the most ridiculous thing at my age and makes me feel so guilty and like I can’t have a good time and feeel safe.

Do I just start being honest with her? I’m guessing if I am she’s going to be really upset and also not want me to do these things. I feel like maybe I accidentally skipped being a rebellious teenager and it’s all gonna come up now when I just want an open relationship with my parent. I realise I’m still really young and I understand her wanting to protect me but it feels like it’ll be a lot of emotional labour being honest. It’s emotional labour now so eh maybe it’s a bit of a loose loose situation…

Second issue more related to parentification mb: If she comes to me with anxieties on money, family etc etc do I comfort her in my usual way? I am now an adult and feel more equipped to deal with it but she still bulldozes my boundaries and I do often feel like exhausted afterwards. But it feels immature to think i dont need to have these convos now that it’s age appropriate…? I just feel like an oversized child hahaha😪