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19
Crushed by hope once again.
Post Body

Small thing maybe, but it hurts.

Today, my ex suddenly wrote and said that my signature is needed so our son can get an id card. First he said I could come to his place (never!) or he could come to my part of town, but then, before I could reply, he said he'd send our son (16). Right then. Takes maybe 15 minutes by bus plus walking from the bus stop.

I've lived here five months and my son hasn't seen my apartment. Finally he would! Excited. Hopeful. Nervous.

I asked if he wanted me to meet him at the bus stop, but he replied he could find the way on his own.

I paced the apartment waiting for him. Everything looked good, clean, tidy. It always does now that I'm free. His room looked good, spacious, and bright with the sun shining through big, clean windows and lush, healthy plants.

I had errands to run and things to do before a very busy week starts tomorrow morning but that could wait. My son was finally coming to my apartment! I reminded myself that it's entirely up to him how long he stays, how much he wants to see. All up to him. No pressure. He has enough of that from his dad. Small steps. Got to rebuild the trust. Got to show him that I'm safe, that my home is safe.

An hour went by. I asked him if he wanted help to find the way. Nothing.

And then I heard the mailbox. He just left the paper and ran off. I opened the door and saw him in the stairs, and the aging dog he used to love saw him and barked in excitement. I said hi, he muttered a hi back, kept running down the stairs and was gone.

I don't know what really happened, or if there was any conscious intention from my ex in arranging that scenario. And I don't know what my son felt about it all. I can only speculate. But I know it hurts. All that built up hope and expectation, and then the crushing fall and disappointment. I'll be back on my feet in a moment but it hurts.

In two weeks, he starts at a boarding school and I have lots of hope that things will get better then. Maybe that hope will also be crushed... But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Comments
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That really is surreal, I'm so sorry. :(

Even more surreal that kids that old, with probably lots of history with you, can be turned so fast. :(

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Yes, I eventually realised that.

Before I moved out, there were several times where my ex dragged me and my (already alienated) son to the living room so we could all "talk", and I was stupid enough to agree.

Every time, he did his very best to provoke a fight by making the most absurd lies and accusations and, when I fell into the trap and replied, calling me mentally ill and other things. And if at any point I lost my calm and either raised my voice or said something rash, he got new ammunition when later talking to my son alone about how horrible I was.

I'm open and honest to a fault. Even after it became painfully obvious how he used my honesty against me, I kept thinking that he can't be that bad, surely this time it will be different, and making the same mistake again. So one time, while falling into that trap and consumed with regret about how it came to this point, I talked openly about my flaws as a parent. About all the times I had not been enough, had not done enough. About how I had been a relatively young mother without a role model of good parenting or healthy relationships, and not really had a clear idea of what my goals as a parent was. Every day I did my best, but I didn't really have my own parenting philosophy so my ex was able to convince me that his made sense. (His goal as a parent was to create a friend for himself, who had the same interests as him and would always want to hang out with him. Nothing about raising a human who knew that he was unconditionally loved while gradually preparing him for an independent life, only someone who would always be there and play board games/roleplay games/video games with him.)

I talked about how I'd have done some things differently if I could start over, and how I was going to do some things differently for the rest of the time I had left of active parenting. Do better, with the knowledge and maturity and perspectives I had gathered over the years (especially since starting to break free from the control and manipulation of my ex).

Then, still mistaken that this was a mutually open, honest and positive communication, I asked my ex if there was anything he would have done differently if given the chance. And he just stared at me with a smirk that was both incredulous and condescending and shook his head in disbelief at the thought. Of course not! Unlike me, he had done everything right.

Now of course, it could have been that he just didn't want to open up to me about his regrets, but that's really not what it seemed like. And when I talked about this with one of my closest friends, who briefly dated him a few years ago (we were doing polyamory), she was not surprised at all. She told me about a talk they had about personal development, where he told her that he was done. He had done all the work of personal development and there was nothing left to do, he was perfect. So... It adds up. And yes, it's definitely a narcissist thing.

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Thank you for commenting, and for the virtual hug.

I don't wish this on anyone, but since reality is as it is, there is some strength and support in knowing that I'm not alone.

I hope things get better for you eventually.

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Yes, maybe.

We met a month ago, after four months of rejection, so he could get his birthday gifts and it was lovely. Four hours of doing fun things together and he was his normal happy, talkative self.

But I don't know what consequences he may have faced if his dad figured out or suspected that he had fun with me. Or just the shame he may have felt at being "disloyal" to his dad by having fun with me, it might have been very painful for him.

After that, he went back to rejecting me again, except for one time, when I got the silly idea of baking an "octopie" for him and he came out and accepted it when I delivered it. It was a very short interaction but he seemed happy and relaxed during it. But again, I don't know what consequences he faced for that afterwards.

https://preview.redd.it/azn3yzwayygd1.jpeg?width=3456&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6303e39e62eef9273dfa7765f4d112527369e789

And now he was already gone a long time because it took him so long to actually get here so maybe he was afraid of interrogation.

Afterwards, my ex wrote to my partner (I'm poly and lived with both for about five years so they know each other, and my partner has also been somewhat abused by him but doesn't really want to see it) and said that my son came home sad because he couldn't meet the dog without having to meet me. He then tried to get my partner to bring the dog and come over and play board games with them. Or just come over without the dog. "I'll make pizza!" It's not his first attempt. I suggested replying that I'll be away from home for school/work today, tomorrow and during the weekend and that he can work from home so that my son can come over and hang out with the dog. But... Most likely it's not really about that.

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Maybe.

We have met twice during these five months and he has been himself then but rejected me in-between. This was very sudden and not his choice, his dad sent him so maybe his mindset was different today.

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Probably.

But with lots of help, I think I still navigate it decently when it comes to what my son actually sees.

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Thank you.

Writing a long reply that relates to the "guilt" part. Feel no pressure to read it unless you want to, you don't owe me that just because you were kind and commented but I'll write it anyway.

It really is. A little while ago, I went so far as to even ask my ex for his perspective on why my son wants nothing to do with me. I've seen and heard so much of what he's done to cause the situation but still open to the possibility that I'm wrong, that it's something I've done without realising and my son won't tell me. And my ex seemed in a relatively talkative and cooperative mood so I figured I'd give it a try, for the tiny chance it would give me something to work with, some guidance in how to fix this.

He took the chance, for sure. Told me basically that he knows what the problem is but he won't tell me because my son told him in confidence and he won't break that trust. But what he can tell me is that I'm not good enough at respecting boundaries, including his boundaries, and that I'm weird and inappropriate and my son only trusts me to "act normal" if my ex is also there to keep an eye on me.

And all of those could of course be real problems but it was all said in a way that was designed to hurt but not help. He saw my desperation and used it to get at me and make me suffer but not give me anything useful.

Throughout our life together, my ex never respected my boundaries, nor my son's. He'd often physically hold me in a room for hours or even days to continue whatever meaningless fight, mostly just arguing about whether or not I was allowed to take a little break from the fight to calm down and be more productive. Sex happened whenever he wanted, "no" was never a valid answer. Our son also learned that saying no to dad is meaningless, so he did all of his "boundary practicing" with me because I backed off. I don't remember so much (the brain protects itself by hiding memories) but I do remember one time when he was ten, I heard him crying in distress and found him huddled in a corner in his room, arms over his head as if to protect himself, crying and begging to be left alone as his dad stood towering over him and refused to leave. I managed to sweet talk him into leaving to let my son eat the food I had made him alone in his room. I comforted my son for a bit but then the dad came back, I tried to stand in the way and remind him that our son wanted to be left alone but he didn't care, he had to "fix the situation right now". After threatening to beat his way past me if I didn't move, he grabbed my shirt by the throat and lifted me out of the way to get to our son. Half an hour later, they were "best friends" again and I was, as usual, the bad guy.

In the last few months, when my ex finally had gotten bored with me and was throwing me out and I was looking for a new apartment but we were still under the same roof. I thought it should be possible to co-exist relatively peacefully for a few more months after 19 years together, but apparently not. He went out of his way to make my life hell and if I called him out or asked him to stop, he said "I don't want to talk about that, leave me alone" while still actively doing the things that made my life hell. If I insisted, he started lecturing on how I had to get better at respecting other people's boundaries, because he had already told me that he didn't want to talk about that. And then he went to our son and complained that I was starting fights and wouldn't leave him alone.

It wasn't until after I moved out that I was able to figure out what really happened there. I was so confused, I couldn't understand because I care a lot about respecting boundaries and I didn't even want to interact with him so why was it so hard?

I know that now and still I find myself thinking if maybe he has a point, maybe it is my fault?

There is also the part about "acting normal". Sure, that might be true if "normal" means "broken down, scared, abused woman". My son is autistic and that is the mom he is used to, and the mom I still am if my ex is present. Strong, happy, healing mom is not what he's used to. But... I can't give him more of that broken version. That role model for relationships has done enough harm and it's not who I am. Current me is a better person and a better mom but my ex's words still have me wondering if maybe I'm simply not a person my son will ever like or want in his life.

Sigh. As you said, and you know, these things are not easy. So many feelings, so many thoughts, so much navigating to do.

Today I'll send him a handwritten letter and a box of home made dice. Maybe he likes them. He has moved out and I can finally do that without my ex getting his hands on it.

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Lol! Yeah, that's something lol... Every normal parent will have regrets and feel like they're not enough, that's part of being a parent.

I won't say mine is a narc because it's not my place to diagnose but he definitely has all of that. Back when we were still together and monogamous, I was his only supply. If I didn't love him, he'd break down into a mess of anxiety, feeling worthless and wanting to die. At least that's what he claimed. And the way to prove that I loved him was by having sex with him. So I guess you can imagine what happened if I ever tried to say no.

When we started doing polyamory, his self esteem seemed to increase a lot. I guess it might just as well have been more supply. As least it took some of the burden off my shoulders. But of course, he also uses my son as a tool to feel better about himself.

I am so happy to hear that you were able to pick her up! I hope the two of you have/had the best of times and that her mother won't find out and punish her for it! (At least not too hard, being more realistic...)

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Yes. Exactly that.

I don't wish this on anyone but as reality is, there is strength in knowing that you're not alone.

I have a good therapist who has helped me a lot in staying level-headed and navigating this situation. That and videos and reading has helped me a lot, as well as just being the person and parent I've always been.

My therapist recognised my situation as PAS long before I did, long before the actual separation. I told him about what my life and my family was like, including how I was a bad parent but at least my abusive ex was a good parent and our son's favourite, and more about the circumstances that made me say/think that. He then started talking about PAS and I thought to myself that he was imagining things.

Then later, after I moved out and completely lost my son, I described my situation to a group of women online and one of them sent me a link about PAS. I read it and thought "Most of this fits, except I'm not perfect. If only I had been perfect, this would be a schoolbook case of PAS. But I'm not perfect so it's not that, he just rejects me because I'm not good enough."

And then, eventually, I slowly realised that my therapist had been right all along. And now I can act accordingly.

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That's so hard. :( I bet that half hour conversation today must have brought up so many feelings! And the hope... Most of the times when my son has said something like that (or rather, seemed to agree to something that takes us closer to reconnecting, or at least to him finding a safe place in my home when I'm not there) and I have gotten my hopes up, it has not happened. But I'll keep toes and fingers crossed that this time, for you, is actually different and your daughter comes with you tomorrow. And if she doesn't... Well, then that will crush you for a bit because you hoped, just like I was crushed a few days ago. But... What else can we do?

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Thank you, I'll look that up!

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That's so tragic. :(

Do you have any insight into what happened?

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:(

Yes... It would be easier to not hope but... Can't do that.

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