Lately I've noticed that I have paranoia around others. And I looking back, have for a long time. I sabotaged a 4 year friendship over jealousy and paranoia that this person who was engaged was trying to steal my boyfriend. I have never fully trusted any of my bosses, or coworkers. The minute I found some validation in my paranoia I ran with it. I've been the worst with my newest job. My boss remotely says something off I fester on it. I don't trust my neighbors except 2. I have a tendency to assume the worst of my friends until they have "proven" I can trust them. I made a post recently that made me rethink how normal my paranoia is. People pointed out that it's normal for people to approach me in public and ask about my dog. And someone mentioned my level of paranoia about it is "disturbing".

What made this realization so difficult is that my mom raised me to be like this. I wasn't allowed to ever be out of her sight as a kid. She constantly told me I would be kidnapped if I wasn't near her. I was diagnosed Autistic at 14. So my natural response was to believe her, no questions asked. As I got older she told me that men would assault me. They did which frankly justified my paranoia (frankly as a female I don't see that as abnormal paranoia). I am constantly afraid of losing my job, my life and my friends. Which is ironic because I am the person pushing them away.

I want to be better. But I am afraid to go to therapy at this point. Because I am going to school to be a counselor. I thought I was fine. Turns out I'm not.