I was the unwanted kid. Alam mo yung batang wala namang ginagawa but you can’t seem to like him? I was that kid. I was heavily compared to my younger brother, there were two of us back then, he was the jolly, bibo, sweet good looking kid. I was the quiet one, I was not the not typical kind, I would often question adults when they ask me to do stuff for them, not because I’m lazy but it’s just not me. Example “Dance ka muna” “sabihin mo muna lalaki ako” and I would be like why? What’s in it for me? And as I grew older, I figured out that adults hated being questioned especially if they know that the kid is right. I was always left out by my older cousins, aunts and uncles, they would remember my younger brother, his likes, their fun times with him towards me, they’re not rude naman but it’s as if I never existed. Sad thing is I learned to cope up with it, as a kid I would rather read books and be alone. Luckily, that sense of belongingness that I never had with my family, I found it from my friends it took a long time for me to be really comfortable with friends. The idea of getting compliments, being noticed, being liked is very foreign to me. And up until now that I’m a full grown adult those ideas are still foreign to me, usually I am skeptical when someone tells me they like me, or compliments me, feeling ko he’s just doing that kasi he needs something from me. I only had one extended family that I felt liked or accepted it was my grandma, when I was 12 she told me “siguro kung hindi ka pinanganak, maganda ang buhay ng mama mo at ng mga anak [my aunts, mom’s sibs] ko. I was so hurt, and kept it until she died recently, I wasn’t mad at her but it answered all my questions why wasn’t I liked in the first place, they don’t like my existence, it validated it all. It was almost an aha moment. And being an analytical virgo, I think that’s the reason that I’m single for years, because I’m a skeptic, and not used to being liked, and being overly analytical. It came from a place of trauma. And now at work or the moment I came out and was comfortable with my sexuality I became a people pleaser because my fear is that I might be disliked by the people who accepted me [aka friends] . And to those I dated in the past I’m so sorry if I’m skeptical, I’m sorry if I always set your expectations, I’m sorry if I’m not confident enough, I would usually list down and tell my date on a first day all my red flags and to see if he would break or not, if he does then yeah bye, but a voice in my mind would tell me “tama family mo, you will never be likeable, it would be better off if you never existed” paulit ulit yon. Ang hirap, ang hirap ng mga emotional baggage ko. Sorry gulo ng thoughts ko but if you’re reading this thank you. I would like to believe that there are people who would genuinely like me, or believe in me even if I don’t believe in myself. Sorry ang gulo ng thoughts ko I’m just randomly typing this. Ang lungkot lang, sa mga outcasts, isang mahigpit na yakap.