Being the eldest doesn’t automatically make you the favorite of your parents. I’m not great at writing, but I need to get these thoughts out. Two years ago, we bought a house using my Dad’s retirement fund as the down payment. Our agreement was that I’d use my PAGIBIG (government housing loan) while he’d contribute payments from his retirement fund. However, he didn’t stick to the plan; he stopped working. I handled all the paperwork, spent a lot on hidden costs while acquiring the house. This whole thing was my Dad’s dream, not mine. But as the eldest, I went along.

My younger brother, the favorite, the one my parents always support despite his failures, had no idea we were buying a house until we were about to move in. We had a fight because he felt left out of this dream house. Out of anger, I told him, “I envy you. I wish we could switch places, so I wouldn’t know the hardships and frustrations I went through just to fulfill Dad’s dream, a dream I never wanted.”

My mental health is at rock bottom. I’m planning to quit my job; I can’t eat or sleep, and it’s affecting my physical health. When I shared this with my parents, my Dad guilt-tripped me, saying, “So what do you want? Should we just give up on this house?!” He used guilt as a weapon. My Mom, she’s a whole other chaotic story. Recently, she mentioned that if she knew our lives would turn out like this, she wouldn’t have married my Dad. I thought I was numb, but those words hit me hard, like I was a kid again feeling pain in my chest.

I partly blame myself, maybe it’s an eldest child thing; I feel like I should’ve fixed it. At this point, it’s easier to believe I’m alone in this life. The only upside is I don’t live with them anymore. But I need to brace myself for the emotional roller coaster that’ll come once I quit my job because that’s another battle I’ll have to face alone.