dl: [Medyo long post]

So, earlier we were invited to a party. She was so hospitable and loved mingling with other people. We also had a fun time at the party because she was enjoying it. Then, on the way home, I fell asleep at the car. Nakisabay lang kami non, tapos nagpababa na kami sa kanto. I told my mom na super antok ko na kasi 3 hours lang yung tulog 'ko, and she too wanted to take a rest kasi sabi niya she was feeling super tired. When we settled na sa bahay at nakapagbihis na siya, she kept insisting na I would massage her hand to help her fall asleep. I told her no kasi super drained and tired na 'ko kaso she replied na, "You can't say no to me." Idk if in a joking manner nga lang yun or ano, siguro ayaw ko na lang ng away kaya I caved in na lang. When I was massaging her hand, nanotice niya yung t-shirt 'ko, minention niya na kanya yun and why am I wearing it only as a 'pambahay'. Sinasabi niya pa yung brand kesyo levi's daw yun. I told her naman na matagal 'ko na ginagamit yung shirt as pambahay. Sabi ko pa sa kanya since matagal siya sa ibang bansa, (9 years to be exact), syempre naisip 'ko na parang arbor na siya or akin na lang since 'di niya dinala after all these years na balik-balik siya dito sa pinas. Sabi pa niya, "'Di porket 'di ko yan kinukuha, sayo na yan." I asked her why 'di niya kinukuha sakin. Sabi niya, "'Di ko naman nakikita paano ko kukunin." To me, it felt like nagpataasan lang kami ng pride that moment. And she wasn't backing down. I stopped massaging her hand, and told her na, "Ayoko nang makipag-argue sayo dahil pagod ako." When I said that, parang na-triggered na siya or something. Parang nilayo na rin niya kamay niya, dahil ayaw na niya magpahilot. I even told her na, '"Para t-shirt lang, pinapalaki mo pa."Then, I got out of her room tapos I locked the door na sa kwarto 'ko. I could absolutely feel the tension na this time. I was already on the verge of tears. Knowing my mom, alam 'ko na gusto niya na siya lagi ang final say.

Mga ilang minutes after that argument, rinig na rinig 'ko yung kalampag ng footsteps niya because of anger. Kumatok siya ng sobrang lakas yelling na buksan ko daw yung pinto. Out of respect, binuksan 'ko na yung pinto kahit alam kong pagtatampalin na niya 'ko. In my head, parang napapray ako bigla sa kaba. Then as anticipated, when I opened the door she went straight to hit me. She also managed to pull my hair pa nga e. She was yelling na wala na daw akong respeto sa kanya. I told her with shaking voice pa na, it doesn't mean na I'm arguing with you means I don't respect you na. Ayaw din niya na daw na sinabi 'ko sa kanya na kesyo ayaw ko na makipatalo sa kanya. Tinanong ko pa sa kanya bakit siya nananakit, which 'di ko naman inisip na necessary pa. The lines followed na alam na alam niyo, dba nanay mo ' ko. I kept telling her na, "Hindi ako ang kaaway mo." Paulit-ulit 'kong sinabi sa kanya yun, until she went back to her room. When she came back, I sank na lang talaga. I thanked the Lord na lang at hindi ko siya tinamaan pabalik, I tried to defend myself na lang. Buti na lang dn, 'di ako nakapagbitaw ng masasakit na salita sa kanya. After all that shit, imbis na magrest na lang after a long day, I just kept thinking over and over what did I do wrong or said wrong. I empathized with her nalang, but also I wanted to set boundaries na din. I always hope and pray that ano man yung pain na matanggap 'ko, 'di ko mapasa sa iba. I really tried to deal with her in the most mature way possible. I guess sometimes talaga, there is no reasoning with some people. Good thing na I'm feeling lighter kasi iniyak 'ko na kanina pa haha. What happened today only solidified my desire to move out. :))

If you reached the end of this post, thank you for taking the time to read this!

Update: Thank you all for the kind words. My mom and I are on good terms now, but that doesn't mean that I would forget what happened. I am now practicing setting healthy boundaries for the sake of my own mental health. To the people that has the same situation or maybe even worse, I hope that you would always choose to rise above it all, no matter how heavy it becomes. I hope that you can become the person that younger you needed the most. The reason why I am able to keep fighting because I want to do good for my younger self, I hope you can too. Lastly, to my fellow panganays/ hyper independent children who had to parent themselves growing up, I see you. You are not alone <3