Play the same set of bowlers for the first 10 overs. As soon as 11th over starts, spread out the field and bring in a spinner, even if the opposition is 58-5, because the imaginary captaincy textbook says so.

From 11th to 40th over cross your fingers and hope for batsmen to make mistakes, avoid proactive thinking because, plan fail hogaya toh kya hoga? play it safe, always, ALWAYS!

From 40th over to 50th (if individual bowler heroics haven't kicked in) rotate the same set of bowlers as you did from overs 1-10 and hope the total is chaseable.

BATTING

Play tuktuk, not more than 5 RPO till over number 20. You gotta take the game DEEP because match fees ko halal karna hay, majaal hay ke match akhri lamhaat se pehle khatam karo, take it DEEEEEP!

From over 20-35 play like ninja turtles, in your shell. From over 35 onwards, Allah Allah karke try to hit out (mostly, its get out) and limp till 50th over to a target that is whoppingly difficult, if you're still living in 90s i.e. 250-270.

Lose the match and then Ctrl V the script: 'We made mistakes but we will learn from them'. (Read: I will not learn from my mistakes, I will stay the cowardly defensive captain I am, suck it, SUCK! IT!)