Subject: The Single Biggest Problem In Relationships
Author: Blackdragon

The single biggest, number-one problem in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships is that people make big, sweeping changes in their lives while in the middle of the powerful but TEMPORARY feelings of NRE. (New Relationship Energy, i.e. that powerful wonderful feeling you have when dating someone relatively new during the “honeymoon period” of a relationship).

One of the key maxims of life is that you don’t make proper decisions when you’re emotional. That doesn’t mean emotions are bad, it means when emotions are running high is not the time to make decisions about your life or your behaviors. That applies to negative emotions, like when you’re really fucking mad and screaming at someone (or at a computer screen while on an internet forum ) and super positive emotions like when you’re in the middle of wonderful NRE with this Cool Chick™ who is Not Like The Rest™.

Making decisions while in the passions of extreme positive or negative emotions like this is very dangerous (and frankly, a little immature in my view).

While in the midst of the two-to-six-month-long NRE, when every day is a joy and every moment is bliss, people become inebriated. They start to think the other person will forever be exactly how they are now. Moreover, they think the positive feelings they have for that person will last just as they are, forever. They emotionally think things will probably never change, or at least not change soon. No, they do not think this in their logical, rational, robot left brains, and people will actually get angry and challenge you if you imply they’re thinking this way. “Oh of course I don’t think everything will be like this forever! I’m not stupid!” they’ll say. And that’s true, they aren’t stupid…but that’s only the left side of their brain talking. At the exact same moment he/she is saying that, the right side of the brain is IGNORING all that logic and dancing around in the Disneyland forest, singing to the songbirds like Snow White (even if he’s a man!).

Now here’s the problem: Guess which of these two brains are more powerful during wonderful, perfect, passionate, exciting NRE? Which brain is going to “win”?

Of course we both know the answer. We see it with people every day. It’s no contest.

So people, men and women both, stupidly make all kinds of commitments, promises, and changes while in this state, and act in ways that strongly subcommunicate things they’ll seriously regret later once they calm down, snap out of it, and get back to normal thinking.

During NRE, people will do things like:

* Lie to their new NRE partner telling them there isn’t anyone else in their sexual lives, when there is.

* Act like serious boyfriends or girlfriends when they really shouldn’t yet.

* Cut off friends and/or family.

* Cut off other possible sexual partners (that’s called oneitis).

* Cut off other actual sexual partners (that’s called LSNFTE when women do it, laziness when men do it).

* Promise monogamy or “exclusivity” (and make no mistake…unless you’re clearly LD, monogamy is a HUGE AND MASSIVE commitment to make, under any circumstances).

* Spend money on their NRE partners in inappropriate ways, or loan them money, or co-sign loans for them, etc.

* If a woman, get pregnant, even if they say it was an “accident”, which it wasn’t. If a man, go along with the completely unplanned and previously unwanted pregnancy. “Uh…well…I wasn’t planning on it, but we’ll make it work!”

* Act like lovestruck AFC pussies.

* Move in together, even if they say it’s because living together is “cheaper”, but that’s not the real reason. I just had sex with a new gal last week who just broke up with her BF. They moved in together after only dating and knowing each other for one month. Insanity. (It lasted three months before the cops took him away.) This kind of insanity during NRE is common.

* Change jobs or careers strictly because of the other person.

* Get engaged.

* Even get married during initial NRE in some extremely reckless and stupid cases. (Several women in my life have gotten married to guys within two months of dating or meeting them.)

Over the course of my life I have seen men and women do all of the above things in the first two to six months of the relationship when the wonderful, but temporary, NRE is raging within them. Then a few months later, when the NRE has worn off and they’ve snapped back to reality, they look back at what they’ve done, the devastation its caused, and say “Holy shit. How could I have been so dumb?”

I’ve seen a thousand times and I’m sure I’ll see it a thousand more. You have too.

I’ll say it again. This one thing the single biggest problem in non-marital romantic relationships. This is “the” problem. It’s the problem that leads to all the others.

The problem is you’re not in any condition to be doing ANY of those above things during NRE. NONE of them. Including promising monogamy! Even if your goal is to get monogamous someday (which I really hope it isn’t, but that’s another conversation), do that AFTER the honeymoon period has fizzled. Then see if:

A) You still want to. (You might not now!)

AND

B) She still wants to. (She might not now!)

AND

C) You two are still together. (You may not be!)

AND

D) You know for sure she’s LTR or OLTR quality. (She may not be! Most women aren’t! She might only more suited for an FB or MLTR.)

The point is, once the NRE has fizzled out, now you can see that person as they REALLY ARE, not this perfect fantasy picture you had of that person during your NRE. Now you can make decisions correctly, rationally, in a way that won’t cause chaos, damage, and hurt feelings down the road for you or her (not to mention any children that are involved).

Children and teenagers are slaves to their feelings. They feel, they do. There is no separation. However, adults (real adults, I should say) learn to decide and act in spite of their feelings, at least in times where decision-making is critical.

How does one do this?

When you are NOT experiencing these powerful positive or negative feelings, you sit down quietly, by yourself, and determine what you want for you life. Ideally, you should write it down. This may be hard, and it may take time, but it must be done.

Then you make a solemn commitment to it, knowing that at some point in the future, your own feelings will attempt to derail you. Know that at some point, your feelings are going try hard to pull you away from what you really want, so STEEL YOURSELF now and prepare for that future day. Then when the feelings come, you’ll be ready for them!

An example from my own life…

I’m in the middle of a serious diet right now. It sucks and I hate it. It’s extremely difficult for me…it’s up there with one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and that’s saying something. Whenever I’m in the grocery store and I walk past the bagels, I get extremely powerful feelings. Huge waves of desire wash over my entire being. I want to reach out and buy a bag. Then I want to slap some cream cheese on one and shove it in my mouth as soon as I get out to the car.

Whenever I’m with one of the women in my harem, and they’re sitting right in front of me happily eating Taco Bell, or Chinese food, or pasta, or a fucking BAGEL slathered with some oh-so-luscious cream cheese, I get very powerful feelings. The feelings consume my mind. They compel me to eat just a little. Just a little is okay. You’ll make up for it later. You wont gain weight from just this little bit, BD! Even if you do, so what if you don’t lose weight tomorrow? It’s just one day BD…

On top of that, if there’s friend or woman involved, THEY will also side with these feelings. “Wanna bite BD? Just have a bite! C’mon! It’s so good!” People don’t like to eat alone.

Despite all of this power in my face and in my mind, I am (now) able to resist.

Why?

Because a while back, when I wasn’t feeling hungry (and that’s an important point), I sat down and decided what I wanted for my life. What I wanted for my health and my body, and what I wanted for my future. I gave myself strong and compelling reasons. Then, I committed to it, just like I would make a commitment to a wife or a big client or even to God (for you religious types). I committed to it wholly!

So now, when these powerful feelings rise to sabotage me, my commitment to my compelling vision is enough (just barely enough sometimes!) to overcome them. And now I’m on my way to a better life, having lost 20 pounds so far (with more to go). (Actually my life is already wonderful, but when I’m lean and mean it will be even better. I have very big plans for when I get back to my good-looking weight.)

You must do the same in terms of what you want for your future life and relationships.

You can not do this when you’re in love with someone, or have oneitis for someone, or even have a “certain girl” who is new and you’re excited about. When there is NO ONE in your life like this, sit down with pen and paper (or computer) and figure out what you want for your life. Then commit to it.

That way, the next time you’re smacked on the side of the head with ultra-powerful NRE (and believe me, if it’s not happening now, it will happen again soon!) instead of being a slave to your temporary powerful emotions which will create all kinds of problems for you and others, you will be the master of them. You will be able to stand firm...

...and achieve the life you really want.

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