Subject: "I just want a GF/to be a provider/have a family"
Author: Kwagmyre

There has been a somewhat disturbing trend on this sub-forum lately of men, both new and experienced, who are coming here and asking variants of the question, "How can I get a GF/LTR? But, you know, one that doesn't suck? I'll even be a Provider if I need to, because even though most guys on ASF are in the Lover category, they don't have what I want (Disney/family/2.3 kids/two cats in the yard), so I wanna be a Provider, but like, a COOL Provider, you know?"

Ummmm.... NO. IMHO, this is a TERRIBLE frame from which to start a relationship!

Now, there are certainly Provider elements in our relationship AS WELL as the Lover, but these are items that I view as somewhat "necessary evils" to be incorporated as a by-product of things like family, kids, co-habitation and all that. We have all of these things, TOO, in the relationship. But, to be clear, these are not things that I sought out; they are more, just natural by-products of a familial lifestyle, sort of like radioactive plutonium waste is a natural by-product of uranium enrichment. I.E., certainly not something you purposely seek to create, but one that you know is going to happen to some extent and have to be dealt with.

Being a "Provider" is something to be MITIGATED against at the expense of being a LOVER. With all due respect to 60, I do not view these two roles as paradoxical; I view them as dichotomous. I view them as sort of a "sliding scale", like maybe today your girl views you as 80% Lover/20% Provider. Note that this is a WOMAN, so likely her internal view of this is going to change on a basis about as frequently as the weather (credit: David Deida, natch).

Now, certainly there are guys on this board whose women view them as pretty damn close to 100% Lover. Note that these guys don't have many of the "Provider"-type problems in their relationships, regardless of what kind. But they ALSO don't seem to have the familial elements that the guys who are saying they "want to be a Provider" seem to want.

Likewise, I think we've all known guys in our lives whose women viewed them pretty damn close to 100% Provider, and I think we also know that, from a sexual/LTR standpoint, their lives generally tend to suck dirty donkey anusholes.

To give a concrete example of what I am talking about, this past weekend, the weather was beautiful, so on the spur of the moment, we decided to go camping. GF went to the grocery store, I packed up the tent and the gear. We drove to a spot deep within the Cherokee National Forest, found an almost deserted campground, and pitched at a prime spot right along a rushing mountainside creek like something out of a postcard. We grilled burgers, played Uno with the kids, and roasted marshmallows over a fire built out of nothing but fallen wood from the ground. When the stars came out, it seemed like you could see all of enternity and creation cast across the faint distant glow of the Milky Way.

The next day when we got home, gf and I showered, got into bed, I blindfolded and handcuffed her, 69'ed her while she ate my ass, gave her "forced orgasms" she was helpless to fight against, then had my way with her.

I think that walking this line between the Lover and Provider roles and enjoying the myriad benefits of both while minimizing the negatives is what most guys who say they "want a gf/LTR/to be a provider" are really after.

Now, as to how to go about getting that, well, this is where I think the rubber meets the road, and where, to mix a metaphor, I think a lot of guys are missing the boat.

Tubarao has tried recently, to tell guys to take the MLTR path to getting this. I.E., you start with a chick as an FB, then carefully give her upgrades to MLTR and finally "full" LTR status. This is correct thinking, and it goes all the way back to points years ago on this board where we were collectively codifying screening and "putting a price to her" as concepts.

Of course, we all know a bit more now thanks to each other, and this is where I hope some of that collective experience comes into play.

This is the most important point of my post: In my own situation, I was not looking for a gf when I found one. And I think, on the whole, that this is the right way to go about it. Yes, it's very "Zen", but I believe that the best way to find a gf, is to not be looking for one. Likewise, the reverse of this holds true... ever notice how many guys on this board who actively "want" a gf can't keep a girl to save their life, but have FB's out the yin-yang?

No, I wasn't looking for a gf, but I found one anyway. This is where Tub and I might differ a little bit in our methodologies, but not, I think in our mentalities. To wit: Tubarao says, if you want a gf, fuck lots of chicks. Then, if/when you come across one who is LTR material, let her earn that position in your life.

For me, my position was perhaps even MORE extreme, in that I wasn't looking for a gf at all. What I was looking for, was to complete a very standard GFTOW [Go Fuck Ten Other Women] mission coming off of a 15-year marriage that ended in divorce.

Now, I did have very, ultra-clear criteria about what a woman WOULD need to have, if I was to consider her for any flavor of an LTR - and I posted and codified that on this board in my "screening" post. Then, I filed it, and put it away. Literally.

Then, there I was, happily going along, fucking lots of women. It didn't suck.

When I first met my gf, I certainly knew very early on that she was a quality person, but was not really considering her (or anyone) for a long-term-relationship. The first day I met her, we had coffee for an hour, then she went to work, and I went home and met up with an FB who I fucked for the rest of the day. The second time I met her, I f-closed her on a Friday night, then had a date with another chick on Saturday night. (I had something lined up for that Sunday as well, but as I recall I think that one flaked).

Anyway, my point is, that whether you follow Tub's method of fucking lots them whittling them down, or my method of clearly defining criteria then simply working the numbers, either way, the WRONG frame to enter into a relationship with is "I want to be a Husband and a Father and a Provider". You should ALWAYS want her to think of you as her Don Juan, the world's greatest lover. You should always be doing new and exciting things in the bedroom, (or OUTSIDE the bedroom ) and keeping it fresh. You should always make sure that you are, and stay, attractive to other women, whether this just "keeps her honest" a la Delineator/Headrush, whether you are "discreet" like Dog and BD, or whether you are blatantly open, like me, Seth, PD, etc.

I'm not going to launch into another debate into the relative merits of monogamy, but regardless of your stance on this, it's important never to relinquish your status as a Lover, first, before or including your status of a Provider, regardless of how much or little you want that in your life.

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Outside of law and science, most "rules" are just common practice.
-Tim Ferriss

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