Subject: BIG POST: “Women leave when I don’t get monogamous, so how can I do it?” Step-by-step on how to make a non-monogamous lifestyle work.
Author: Blackdragon

Exactly How I Do Non-Monogamy. Field-Tested Rules and Techniques for MLTR’s and FB’s

I’ve actually had this written up for quite some time. I’ve just been waiting for the right time to post it. Lately more and more guys seem to have snapped out of their monogamy-is-great daze, and more guys have been actually trying a non-monogamy approach to life. Good. It’s now time for me to shift my focus on mASF from what NOT to do, to what TO do.

Here we go…

The big excuse I see on here about MLTR’s or OLTR’s is something like the following:

“I tried that once. I dated a chick for X amount of time. Then she demanded we get exclusive. When I said no, she complained and said X, Y, and Z. Then she stopped seeing me.”

Or

“Chicks won’t keep seeing you if you’re fucking other chicks. I’ve tried that several times and it doesn’t work. Chicks don’t put up with that.”

Yes they do. I’m going to lay out for you exactly how I’ve overcome this and made it all work. After experimenting with this for a while, I’ve come up with a list of personal rules that make non-monogamous relationships work, and work for a long time.

My Ultimate Monogamy Doesn’t Work post is my big post on what NOT to do:

[repost link on reddit]

Consider the following as my post on what TO do. MLTR is the first level. OLTR is the final level. This post is mostly about MLTR, but a lot of it does apply to the OLTR. At some point I will write a post specifically on how I would structure an OLTR, but that is mostly a set of goals based on what I’ve seen other guys accomplish. THIS post here is what I’ve personally done many times over and works great.

Before we get started, you need to read Tubarao’s MLTR rules post, since without that post a lot of my successes in the MLTR/FB world would have been impossible. His post is here.

Unlike Tub’s post, which I think everyone should use and apply, these rules below are simply personal rules that have worked for me. I’m a confident, outcome independent guy with zero M/w and a very high sex drive. You may be different, similar, or exactly the same. So these techniques may work for you or not, but all of them have been extensively field-tested by me and have been very, very effective.

A quick aside on the concept of rules before we get into the actual list. Unlike just about every other man on the planet, I am 100% AGAINST rules you have that you expect HER to follow, or rules she expects YOU to follow. Rules people put onto each other I believe cause nothing but problems, and I avoid those like the plague (whenever possible)…they are never obeyed in the long-term and are thus guaranteed to cause drama and/or guilt.

Instead, these rules are “personal rules” rather than “mutually imposed rules”. Personal rules are standards of conduct for you, things you and only you will do, that are 100% within your own control.

Example of a “mutually imposed rule”: Man says to woman “You can’t fuck any other guy unless I approve of him first.”

Example of a “personal rule”: Man says to woman: “Fuck anyone you want. If you tell me (or if I find out) that you are fucking more than 2 other guys, I’m wearing a condom the whole time during sex with you until you get an STD test and show me the hard copy results.”

See the difference? The first rule is something you’re imposing onto another person. I call that a catalyst for drama. The second rule is a standard of your own personal conduct that you have complete control over and she does not. I call that a catalyst for order.

Rules for your personal behavior and conduct = GOOD

Rules you enforce on each other for when you’re not around = BAD

It’s a key distinction that I hope you understand.

OK, the my list of personal rules in MTLR’s or FB’s:

1 - MY NUMBER ONE RULE: Any drama she’s gives me, for any reason, that lasts longer than about 20 seconds, will result in an immediate soft next, and termination of all contact, that will last a minimum of 3 days.

Already I can anticipate questions on this, so let’s pause for a quick aside on nexting. What I just described is the “BD Soft Next”, where you cut off all contact with a woman for a minimum of three days, and then resume contact and resume the relationship like nothing ever happened. Whenever I use the term “soft next” consider it the BD-style of soft next. The traditional Zan/Tubarao style of soft next is a little nicer, and does work, but less effective IME. Nothing will scare a woman into sweetness and compliance like a BD Soft Next. It will turn nose-in-the-air, badass, drill sergeant, ball-busting bitches into sweet, kind, compliant, loving, submissive sex slaves. Massively field tested. Specifically what I’m taking about, and how I do soft nexts is right here.

2 - I will not discuss specifics about other women with women in an MLTR. They know I’m dating other women, but I will give no specifics, even if asked (and they do ask, sometimes often). The only exception to this rule would be a very long-term FB who has proven she will not fall in love with me, shit test me, or get emotional about knowing specifics regarding other women (and this situation is rare; only one woman in my life is currently in this category).

3 - Women can only see me once a week, never more than twice a week, even if they ask, even if they beg. And sometimes they do. ONCE A WEEK or less is the regular norm for ALL my women, FB’s or MLTR’s. Twice a week is an odd occasional exception that I do occasionally allow, but rarely.

4 - Something I learned myself along the way that has really worked for me: I will always let women assume whatever they want about me and about other women I’m seeing. If she wants to think I’m totally in love with her and all other women in my life are just bimbo FB’s, even if that’s not accurate, fine, I’ll let her roll with that. I will neither confirm not deny it. Sometimes that is true, and I’ll still let her roll with that, neither confirming nor denying it. The point is I do not do or say anything to steer her assumptions one way or the other, be they true or false.

5 - I will never lie. There are topics I will not discuss, but I will never lie. Lying to women to get them to fuck you (or keep fucking you) is what AFC’s do. I’m a MAN. I don’t need to lie. The last time I actually lied to a woman about anything was about 14 years ago back in my young AFC days.

6 - I never cum inside a woman unless she has a Marina IUD, hysterectomy, or her tubes tied. Otherwise, I always either pull out and cum on her, cum into a condom, or cum in her mouth. If I cum on top of her her, I supervise the cleanup and make sure none “accidentally” ends up in her pussy. The reasons why I do all of these things are right here:

[missing link, but a similar one is here]

I have cum inside a woman’s ass, under certain very controlled conditions, but I usually avoid it…too dangerous (that pussy hole is way too close for my little dragon spermies).

7 - Any woman I’m having sex with regularly for more than 2 months must be on some form of birth control, even forms I consider weak, like the pill. This is just a second line of defense in case there’s an accident with the condom or me pulling out. I have literally taken women down to the hospital myself for the doctor’s appointment to acquire birth control (I’ve already done it with two different woman this year so far). No, I will not PAY for the birth control, but I will hold her hand and accompany her throughout the process to keep her comfortable and make her feel safe.

“Whoa, wait a sec, BD! This sounds like one of those “imposed rules”!” At first glance, it might sound like it, but it’s not. The woman is free to do whatever she wants. If a woman isn’t on any birth control, and refuses to get birth control after 2 months of sex with me, totally fine. I soft next her until she reconsiders. (I’ve only ever had to do this once, since most women are either already on birth control or don’t fight the idea when I strongly suggest it).

8 - Sex occurs every time I meet up with a woman. Period. There are rare exceptions to this, like when there are odd time constraints or medical reasons that preclude sexual activity, but these exceptions are RARE. Every woman in my life knows in advance, if you’re seeing me in person, you’re getting fucked.

9 - The woman must experience at least one orgasm every time we have sex. Period. Two orgasms are ideal and what I always shoot for. I don’t care if I have to get down in her crotch and sit there for an hour until my tongue falls off, that bitch is going to cum. This was a key component I was missing when I was trying to figure out MLTR’s a year or two back. Of the women I’ve been sexual with but didn’t stick around long, ALL of them couldn’t cum (for whatever mental hang-ups they had). This is not a coincidence.

Want a woman who will put up with your shit and always come back to you no matter how much you violate her Disney agenda or piss her off? Easy: Make sure she cums every time you have sex, ideally twice or more if you can. I’m quite serious, it’s a god damn magic wand. So few men in the world do this, it will transform you into a Greek love god in her eyes. This rule completely transformed my polyamorous experience, for the better, when I started doing this.

One side point: As ijjjjji says, do not verbalize this. Don’t say “I need to make you cum every time we fuck!” No, no, no. Shut your mouth, keep it quiet, and be like Nike and just do it.

One more point: If you combine this rule with rule with rule number 8, this means her brain soon starts to get wired with “Every time I see BD, I cum!” Very powerful. This is a KEY in why women always “cum back” to me after they temporarily next me for some AFC who promises them monogamy (the LSNFTE).

Remember that some women cum faster than others, so I calibrate based on this. For example, one of my MLTR's, HBSpunky, takes a LONG time to cum. By the time she’s cumming, my tongue is numb as wet noodle. So I make sure she cums at least once…if she’s spending the night and I have plenty of time, I’ll make her cum twice. HBMySpace, OTOH, can’t cum vaginally but cums literally within about 100 seconds of having her clit stimulated. (Which makes sense…without getting into detail, 27 year-old, been-around-the-block HBSpunky has far more emotional baggage than 19 year-old HBMySpace.) So in a full evening with HBMySpace, having her cum 4, 5, or even 6 times is not unusual. So the point is, always make all women cum no matter how hard or easily they cum, and if they cum easily, make them cum a lot.

As an inverse to this, I know if I can’t make a woman come for whatever reason, she may not last long in a poly arrangement. As a side note, I’ve noticed an interesting trend that follows this…women who simply can’t cum often are the ones who demand traditional monogamous relationships or marriage the most, and who are the least tolerant of a poly arrangement, whereas the 15% (or so) of women who can cum vaginally, very easily, over and over again just by a guy fucking them normally will often be seeing more than one guy at a time to begin with. Fascinating.

10 - A woman does not get any access my children until I’m damn sure she’s going to stick around for a while. How long this takes varies based on the woman and the situation. Even when she does meet my kids, it’s not a big “Daddy is introducing his new GF to his kids” type thing. No, it’s very casual and no big deal. Any subsequent contact between her and my kids is very infrequent. Both my children have been given my speech about “This woman is not my GF. This is a woman I like who I’m dating.” Both my kids are old enough to understand this (ages 11 and 18), provided I keep contact with the woman infrequent.

If my kids were younger, there would probably be no access to any of my women until one became my OLTR.

11 - FB’s are not allowed to spend the night with me, ever. MLTR’s can and do. (But no more than once a week! Remember rule number three!)

12 - FB’s are always expected to pay their share when/if we go out for drinks or food. Either we take turns paying the bill or we each pay half. Refusal do to this results in an immediate soft next, if not a hard next.

Note: Tubarao’s rules state that you should never take FB’s out on dates. He is right, and when I was figuring this stuff out, I would never take FB’s out at all, for any reason. Now that I know what I’m doing, I will occasionally “hang out” with an FB “out” somewhere, but the “you’re paying for your own food and drinks” frame/rule is VERY strong and clearly understood, just as if she was one of my guy buddies. Also, going “out” with my FB’s is a rare and occasional occurrence anyway, not a regular one.