Subject: Re: marriage and cheating

Author: Blackdragon

This was exactly the situation I was in about four years ago. Kids I loved, a life I enjoyed (more or less), but a bitchy wife who didn't put out. After much arguing, negotiating, marriage counseling, and bullshit, we got divorced. Getting divorced was actually good in my case, but the pain and suffering she, I, and my kids went through leading up to and during the divorce could have been avoided.

Knowing what I now know, if I had a time machine and could go back and advise my four years-younger self, here's what I would have told him to do, and what I'm advising you to do.

Disclaimer: Most other men on this board are going to disagree with what I'm about to advise.

Here's what you should do, in this order:

1 - Prepare to get divorced. I didn't say get divorced. I said 100% prepare as if it's coming. Because it might be. It might not be, but you want to be fully prepared for what might come. This means the following things:

A. Get your finances in order. Make sure you know where everything is, how much, and who's name is on what. I mean assets and debts both.

B. Open a safety deposit box at a bank you do not currently bank at, in your name only, and start shoving cash in there on a regular basis, and don't stop until there is at least $3000 in there. More is better but $3000 should do it. I said a safety deposit box with cash in it, NOT a bank account. There is no paper trail for cash in a safety deposit box, so that cash is 100% safe. I did this leading up to my divorce and let me tell you, it saved my ass in more ways than one.

C. Organize and clean out all of your possessions. Be ruthless and get rid of as much as you can. Craigslist and Ebay are your friends (put the cash proceeds in your safety deposit box!). Goodwill and other charities will take what you can't sell. Do all of this slowly and casually, and if your wife asks why, tell her you want to simplify your life and get things more organized.

D. Locate some apartments nearby that are cheap and have vacancies. Do the same for a good local moving company. Keep these phone numbers handy.

E. Prepare yourself emotionally for a possible divorce as best you can. Make sure you're keeping a positive attitude and are exercising regularly.

2 - Once you think you're prepared, when your wife is in a good mood or a relaxed mood, use your own words to tell her the following:

"I love you, and I love the kids, and I want to be with you and the kids forever. But this sex thing just isn't working. I know you've tried, and I've tried, but it's not working. So here's the deal. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start having sex with other women. I will be completely discreet and no one will ever know other than you and me. I will always use a condom 100% of the time when I'm doing this. It’s going to be just meaningless sex. I’m not going to be actually dating anyone or falling in love with anyone. I love you. I’m just talking about a dumb bimbo here and there.”

And then, GO DO IT. Go start fucking other women. Immediately. Be very discreet and use condoms.

Here’s the important part. When you tell her this, she will scream. She will cry. She will call you all the names in the book. She will say the most hurtful things to you she knows how to say. And it will hurt. You will feel bad. This is normal and to be expected.

Let her have her say and let her get it all out for a few minutes, and then terminate the conversation. Grab your keys, leave the house, and go see a movie by yourself if she just doesn’t stop. DON’T get into an argument with her. DON’T get into a conversation with her. DON’T start discussing logistics about how you’re going to do this. DON’T get into “negotiations” with her. DON’T get defensive. DON’T buy into her B.S. if she says “OK, OK, fine, we can have sex more often then!” No. Tell her what you’re going to do so that you’re not cheating behind her back, or lying, or being deceptive, then let her yell at you for about five minutes, then LEAVE and go do something else. Then start discreetly fucking other women.

Yes, she may likely say “Well, we’re getting a divorce then!” or “If you even touch another woman, I’m divorcing you!” Great. Let her say that. Just nod, acknowledge what she says, and end the conversation and go fuck somebody. If she loves you, loves your kids, and you’re an otherwise good husband, and you’re a man about this, I estimate there is a good 60% to 80% she will NOT actually divorce you. Threaten divorce, yes. Be a complete bitch for a while, yes. But actually get an attorney and divorce you, no.

And if she does actually begin divorce proceedings, that sucks, but you’re prepared. Move out, and proceed with the divorce. This may happen, which is why you must be 100% prepared for this possibility first.

The bottom line is you don’t want to CHEAT on her buy fucking women behind her back and just hope you won’t get caught. That is not a long-term solution. And rotting away in a low-sex marriage is also not a long-term solution. Both cheating and settling will lead to a much more horrible divorce down the road. Instead, prepare for a divorce, be a man, tell her you’re going to fuck other chicks, and do so.

I’m being completely honest with you…this is exactly what I would have done in my marriage years ago had I known then what I know now. My ex-wife may have very likely tolerated my discreet fucking around. And yeah, I may still have gotten divorced, but it would have gone much, much easier for me, her, and my kids.

Think about it.

-Blackdragon