It's so exhausting looking at the mirror every day and thinking that little vicious thought that I can't be "defined" as either a female or male because of my body, even though I want to be female.

I hate shaving in the shower every day, only to feel stubble all over my cheeks, chin, and neck by afternoon. I hate feeling so envious of women who have smooth and practically hairless skin and are so feminine looking.

I hate that I don't have proper bras to wear because despite being overweight, I don't really have breasts. I don't even fit in an 'a'-cup bra because my breasts are so underdeveloped-- probably from having this damn disorder since puberty. I hate that I haven't had a period in over a year, and that people mistake me as a guy all the time.

I'm honestly so confused about my gender. I want to be female, but I don't feel like I am a female because of this disorder, and the fact that I'm lesbian doesn't help. It's like I should have been born a guy, even though I don't want to be a guy.

I feel so guilty always thinking "I wish I were a girl" even though I technically am a girl, because there are trans people out there who have it much worse than I do.