I’m no stranger to recovery but was struggling to grasp why I couldn’t see my issue with food as yet another way addiction manifests. I had a breakdown last week after yet another doctor’s visit that was a rude awakening.

Yesterday was my first meeting. Today was my second and I have not binged or acted out today. It’s a relief to know I’ve found a place where I belong. The 15 questions blew my mind. How did I miss this?

Well, I’d been hiding behind my therapist’s words that I was an emotional eater as a way my complex trauma manifests when triggered (which is true to a degree but is not solely the case). It was comforting when she said this — ah, something I don’t have to fix! Let’s have some biscuits! — but the label never really fit and I knew it.

Like most, my relationship to food has been all over the shop. At my heaviest I was 320 lbs, I dropped down to 270 (over 2 years) then 190 before ballooning back up to 220 lbs in the last 5-6 months (doctor said I need to get to 160-170 to be healthy for my age/height/health woes).

I’d been telling myself it was just covid, and i would be alright once “everything got back to normal”. It was always another excuse but the binge and shame spirals were only getting worse.

I am powerless. But I am not alone. I’ve taken the first step and admitted I need help. Very scared but ultimately trusting that this is what I need to do. I want to be well and heal my relationship with food. This is how. I’m going for 90 in 90 and taking it one day at a time.