So I have always been a more empathetic individual. I always saw the best in the more out cast individuals, and dedicated years of my youth to trying and “fixing” damaged people. I would skip school or work or family vacations to try and help the people who didn’t really give two shits about me.

And when I became Orthodox, that love for humanity grew. Last October, I read a Mark Twain quote, in which he asks “who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries has had the common humanity to pray for the sinner who needs it most?”

I had just finished reading CS Lewis’ “The Great Divorce” and in it, a murderer is noted to have been in heaven. And Lewis makes a comment that the “good” people may not actually be as “good” as they think they are.

This book also opened up my deep dive into the history of Universal Salvation in the church. By November, I was convinced that everyone would be saved. Including the demons and devils.

What really sold me on this was actually reading the theology of St Augustine on the theory that evil is not a thing, but a perversion of goodness. I came to an understanding there is no such thing as “intrinsic” evil. I started believing that there is no such thing as an evil person. Only good people who do perverse things.

I’ve always made an argument that no sane person does evil with the intent to do evil. They either are desperate, mentally unwell, deceived, or coerced. Most have an underlying belief that they are doing something at least morally neutral.

Well, this manifested over the past six months or so with me hard core defending any evil doers. I’ve been in my parish’s choir for over 3 years now.

And after singing the Beatitudes so much, and reading the writings of Isaac the Syrian, I am convinced of absolute mercy. To the point I don’t believe justice is a Christian virtue. St Issac didn’t even believe God was just - he said justice and mercy cannot exist in the same soul.

I stopped believing in jails, or the death penalty, or even traffic tickets. I came to the understanding if God can forgive and redeem fallen humanity - if he can forgive and redeem Satan himself (as many early Fathers thought) then we should desire nothing but the redemption and forgiveness of the murderers and rapists of the world.

See, I was raped when I was 17. I had been seeing this guy for a while, and one day when I was at his place messing around, he got angry and raped me. In the past year I’ve forgiven him. I legitimately believe he’s a good man, and pray for him to have a happy life. And I think all victims of violence should forgive and do the same.

I have also been in psych wards for a very long time. And I’ve met many people who either have murdered, or planned to commit violence. And I didn’t meet a hardened evildoer. I met a hurt, bleeding, wounded person who is in serious anguish.

All this combined has led to me being a huge advocate for “bad” people. In the last few months I’ve grown more emotional. And this past week things have gotten too hard for me.

I am in almost constant sadness and anguish emotionally and spiritually. I feel such sadness and pain for the “wicked” people of the world. I was on the way to church tonight, and I just had a break down in the car. See. I was listening to this song by Bastille and he sings from the perspective of Eve in the garden. And I just felt such pity and empathy for her. And then I felt sadness for all sinners.

I can’t seem to hold even the slightest anger towards the evilest people. Like, I legit was defending the character of Hitler this weekend at dinner.

I even feel sadness for the Devil. I pity him, and I wish I could pray for him. A former priest when I asked about praying for the demons a year ago told me that’s how the demons trick you. He said never pity the demons.

But St Issac the Syrian said we need a merciful heart that “a heart on fire

for the whole of creation,

humanity,

the birds,

for the animals,

the demons,

and for all that exists.”

I’m so sad now all the time. Any advice to get over this?