I'm pretty much scared and also suicidal in a way. I found out I have a mass on my cerebellum which is the part of the brain connected to the spinal cord. I've had hives on my face due to stress and also this issue. I was in pain for over 2 months, basically in a constant panic attack (still am but its way better and i can finally feel like im not in a constant panic attack). I was in the hospital in and out of the ER due to this situation. This has caused me to have anger outbursts, me quitting therapy, depression and overeating. I'm 21 soon, I really believe I shouldn't get this treated. I really have had suicidal ideology for a while due to me being Bipolar as well as having a problem with complex situations. I lost my father when I was 18, I've emotionally abused my family as well as women I've been in relationships I've been with ever since I've started dating. I really only believe if i am going to end my life, I can go out this way... legally I can't be hospitalized for suicide or anything. My therapist tried but she did that by texting me "are you going to hurt yourself" Clearly if I replied "yes" then she would have reason to call the police and for me to be hospitalized. I've realized this is a escape goat for me to possibly legally kill myself. I really have a self hatred issue, I only quit therapy because I have a problem with them accepting certain ideology mainly "Gender". Only mentioning that to why people may understand. I have an order for neurologist to take such as scans and others. I'm just scared to be told I have a possible disease but I also do wanna died in some way, shape or form. I just wish for it to be painless. I'm really confused with my identity I can't work because I'm in pain I was in work while being treated but backed out because I couldn't take the pain while working. I'm in medical debt credit card and also have had a failed relationship. Mt thoughts are constant highs and lows. I really can't take this. I have gotten in this religion lately but everytime I think about being treated my head goes to fear or me not being forgiven. I've broken some verses in the bible that states a man to be kill of they've committed such sins. I wish that and I hope that the mass can just disappear but I still don't know. I want so many things, yet another part of me dosent want help to live a healthy life.