Just gonna say now, if you're in a weak spot, maybe don't read this, because I got little graphic in regards to using. Kinda felt it necessary to convey how I'm feeling.

Little bit of back story to my issues. I'm 3.5 years clean as of January 4th. I didn't celebrate. I didn't even realize it until today. I live with my parents, I'm in a long-term outpatient rehab program, on 1 MG of suboxone a day. Tiny baby dose. Prescribed 2, only take 2 when I'm feeling cravings, and then yesterday happened.

Got screamed at by my dad for a Facebook status I posted about him. I'm not saying he was wrong to be furious, nor did I try to defend myself while he screamed at me. I grey-rocked to the best of my ability and didn't cry until my boyfriend called. When I hung up with him, I paced my room and was dizzy and threw up foam from crying so much, and I literally reached for my bottle of subs and then stopped myself. I really almost snorted a sub just to snort something, just to take things back into my own hands. Didn't, but it scares me that I got that close. I have counseling and group on the 11th and I think I'll be okay until then, but I really wanted some support and wanted to talk about it.

I have surgery on the 28th, and they told me to come off my subs 2-3 days before so they can give me vics, and I really want to snort them. I want to relish the chance at having a sub free, doctor sanctioned, free pass at using. I want to feel the burn in my sinuses, taste the drip, and live in it. I do. So badly. My addict brain went from "as long as I don't snort them, it's not lost clean time. They're necessary and prescribed." To "theyre prescribed and it doesn't matter how I use them, they're PRESCRIBED. THEY'RE MINE." It's been THREE AND A HALF YEARS since I snorted a pill, I've been around percs constantly, with little to no temptation to use them, and boom, suddenly I feel like I just got clean 3 weeks ago or some shit? UGH. I just need some words of solidarity and encouragement yall.