It's day one again. It's my 3rd day one in the past year. I don't know how to feel. You know that "insane" person they talk about in in AA/NA That will just never stop using? That feels like me. Fuck. I got so lucky last year. I got 40 days in a really nice rehab, that costs a shit ton of money. My insurance is great, and paid for it all. But I've relapsed twice since then. The deamon is just strong in me. I don't have anything like childhood trauma, or super damaging past experiences that make me use. I just like to get high damnit. I know the beast will get weaker as time goes on. I've lived with it for almost 20 years. There isn't much I don't understand about addiction. I've had runs of 4 and 8 years clean. But that monster never dies. It just waits. Even though it gets weaker over time, it's still there, waiting for that one moment to pounce, and get it's strength back. That moment I'm weak, that moment I think it's ok and I let my guard down. It knows how to manipulate me even at its weakest point. That one little crack it seeps into. How long will I last this time? Hopefully more than a week. I don't exactly know why I'm writing this. But thanks for reading.