Hey guys. I’ve been lurking on this subreddit for months now, with the intention to post when I’m finally ready to get clean.. aaand the time has come. Just a little backstory/introduction:

I live in sunny, shady ass Florida.. lived in one of the pill mill cities that were pumping out oxy 30’s (“blues”) like crazy. Snorted my first one at 14, built a little habit up, and by my 15th birthday, an ex who was ‘bout half a decade older than me.. shot me up with h as a ‘birthday gift’.... aah the irony in even typing that out is ridiculous. I just turned 25 last week and celebrated by getting fired from both of my jobs the same day, coming home to an eviction notice on my apartment door.. all 24 hours before my mom came to town (my birthday fell on Mother’s Day this year.. we were supposed to do a double celebration, imagine her surprise when she gets to town and finds out I’m in the midst of a relapse and have lost everything).

My Mom’s the only relative who hasn’t ditched on me, so having to be honest with her about my relapse and also the fact that my life literally fell apart to shit in ONE DAY was hard to stomach. Worst birthday ever.

I’m no stranger to 12-step programs, I’ve tried them all mostly, and found a home in NA. Sadly I’ve never been able to stack up anything higher than about 50 days, though. Chronic relapser, I really struggle fitting into the rooms sometimes as I’m a pretty progressive, queer individual who identifies as gender fluid and my views/interest haven’t made it the easiest to connect to people. Anyways, I just had 5 days, and relapsed today. I’m really struggling. I want nothing more than for all of this to be over, and there’s no solution to that other than suicide or REALLY giving my 100% to recovery, which is SO much easier said then done.

I just texted my sponsor and told him I relapsed, and no response yet. I get so scared that people won’t take me seriously anymore when I relapse, and it’s so hard to explain how bad I want recovery when my actions might not always show it. My biggest fear is becoming the boy who cried wolf. Clearly I’m really in my head right now. My anxiety is through the roof, and I’m playing out all the horrible what ifs in my head..

I wanted to reach out here because yesterday I spent almost two hours just scrolling and reading all of yer stories..and it sounds crazy but the feelings I got from just reading were so good. I forgot the internet actually can be a good place to connect with people. So tomorrow, I’m starting fresh with day one again. I’m hoping to make some connections here to reach out and vent too, hoping that it makes somewhat of a difference. If you’ve read this far, thank you so much friends. Thanks for just being here, for having this subreddit and just being apart of it. You guys have no idea how much just reading your words can help someone struggling. Thank you ♥️