I am newer to posting on Reddit so please excuse any errors in the format, or whatnot, that I may commit. Also, am on mobile (as I've only ever been on mobile, I'm not sure why I see this as a prelude to posts, but I'll learn). Also also, this is a throwaway account. Crossposted in r/nonmonogamy and r/marriage.

My wife (F/32) and I (M/32), have been recently speaking on opening our marriage to solo excursions. We are not settled on if we are looking to enter a dating scene of sorts or if we are just looking for physical "play." Regardless of what we decide, we know we need to be on the same page, even if we decide to pursue different avenues. The end result will be the same... sex with other people outside of our marriage.

Backstory: We are high school sweethearts, we have been together for the entirety of our formative years and we have only ever been with eachother... in the biblical sense. We have always described ourselves as extremely sexual people. Although our libidos have been at different levels at different times, we have always had amazing sex and have always been obsessed with pleasing eachother. I can't imagine it being better with anyone else. Throughout our relationship we have had a handful of threesomes and have been with a few couples, all for soft swap play and always same room; we have never taken it farther than oral sex due to nerves. We came close with one guy about to fuck her, but we made him shoot his load beforehand, together, and I think that made him nervous and he didn't want to try and continue after a rest period as he was only there for my wife and not the both of us as it did naturally progress through the evening. I consider that night with him there, probably, the true start of my wish to watch my wife fucking another man in front of me. I wanted it so much, but didn't press the matter thinking my horniness and being caught up in the passion of the moment were driving my impulses. I thought the regret would be too much to take, whether it was hers, mine, or both of ours. The feeling I got from making love to her while she lay on top of me, the other man's hot cum still covering her breasts which were pressed against my bare skin, while she was emitting a glow of utter self-satisfaction of what just transpired, gave me a feeling of lust I never felt before. But I digress.

As it goes, life happened and our "extracurriculars" came to a pause. The normal things, you know, America's ideal nuclear family; that's our life now and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my wife unconditionally and without a doubt in the entirety of my being. She, and the life we have built together, and obviously still building together, are exactly want I want out of life. But I do want more, sexually at least. I am, we both are, vehemently against cheating. The lies, the deception, knowing that what you're doing behind your partner's back is an unforgivable sin that would absolutely and completely destroy them; in no way has cheating ever been an option in our relationship. Not a thought given to it. Ever. Never. I am crazy about the woman in my life, why would I want to hurt her? My main cornerpost in life is her happiness... her pleasure. We are deeply in love with one another, and we both know we are a forever thing.

However, our sex drives and curiosities are getting the best of us, at least of me. The main catalyst for the subject of an open marriage was, in fact, a long drawn out rut of a lack of communication and lack of physical intimacy after childbirth. Such a healthy way to start communication on this line of lifestyle change, heh? Well, after a dumbass, petty, fight about something small that turned into something big, we talked and talked and talked. All about our needs and the random things we were feeling abandoned with. Normal reconciliation after a normal life event (the fight), you know. One of my main desires in life that I have always tried to make known is threesomes and moresomes happening again. We used to try to hook up with others as often as we could when we were able. It was difficult to do so, but it was a challenge we could do together and then have such a sweet reward at the end. After we started having children however, my wife no longer wanted to have our fun, we were on a break from it. The break is understandable for me for quite a number of reasons: the physical changes, the emotional changes, the new life role as mother, etc. However, even though I think I have an understanding of what I acknowledge as valid reasons, it's been over six years since our last threesome and I think about these sexual things often. Soooooooo, in the midst of our making up and talking things out after our "big" fight, we both communicated the fact that we both need alone time and chances to rediscover who we are as individuals. Remember, we have been each other's Only since High School. As the conversation kept evolving, and when I felt the time was appropriate to bring up my sexual desires, I went full steam ahead and instead of simply stating what I've already stated in this writing, I blurted out the suggestion of an open marriage.

An open marriage seems like the next logical state as far as I feel... and she was into the idea! Slightly. She wasn't quite open to it yet.

As I suggested, and she thought so too that night: An open marriage would give us a change to discover deep introspective realities of our own selves. It also gives us the opportunity to get away from the "real life" and exist in fantasy for the night. We can give into some desires that one another may not be able to fulfill if that's possible (neither one of us really thought so, but we agreed that we may learn something about something new to us and through that, anything is possible in that regard). What's more is, SEX! Not better sex, just different sex. Neither one of us thinks sex with eachother is or can ever be boring, but different sex does exist and we're all for expanding our horizons.

As we spoke on this new idea for us and our relationship, we were both getting really turned on and it led to a nice little love making session. The feeling of reconciliation and new sexual ideas fresh in our minds made for a very sensual time. It was amazing. Now, when I say she was slightly into the idea though, I mean she wanted to do her research and look into it. The next day, she took it upon herself to search for Facebook groups for a quick summarised education. That was a no go for her in the end though, because she didn't feel that joining any groups would be private enough for her. I suggested Reddit. Reddit has led her to topics about Polyamory, advice threads where one party felt cheated on by the other, horror stories such as STDs or other needless drama, extremely biased people who are against any "freedom" after committing to another... basically all negative things or things she and/or I are not looking for. We have spoken about what we would want if we decided to take the leap multiple times. I have shared my knowledge and understanding as I see it. I have shared my fantasies and possible girls I'm interested in and would like to hook up with... as she did too with men she liked.

That last part may have not been the best idea so early into this conversation though. She messaged a guy and I messaged a girl. Her conversation fizzled out, as did mine. I showed her Facebook profiles of my interests, as she also did a day or two prior, and she fell into a state of annoyance. This surprised me and took me off guard. A day or two passes and I wish to continue to converse with my wife about the prospect of opening ouselves to this new possibility, but now she says I am talking about it too often. Okay, let's take a break from talking about it and come back to it later, which we did. I did not bring up the concept for a week or two, I may have mentioned it quickly in passing but I only made small, quick, remarks to try to get the conversation started again or to keep the topic relevant so we don't let it die. This may have been a mistake on my part, but I don't know. Finally, I bring it up as a full topic again and I'm told that I'm obsessed with the idea. So... I wait longer.

One of her main concerns is she states she has to have a "connection" with someone before she feels comfortable giving herself to him (or her) and that scares her. She doesn't know how she would deal with that situation. I personally don't see an issue with that. I trust in our bond, I have faith in the promises we have made to eachother, I fully believe in us. I know she feels the same, and this has been communicated by each of us during this process (as well as throughout the entire history of our relationship). As far as my concerns? I'm pretty easy going. I know what I'm looking for and I know want I want. I am concerned with my wife's emotions about this topic, but I am looking for advice or feedback in order to kind of put myself in check? I honestly have no idea what I'm looking for on Reddit, but I guess we'll find out. How in the wrong am I when she has showed interest as well? I know I jump the gun with a lot of things quite often, and I communicated that to my wife as well and asked her to put me in check when she felt it was needed. AITA?

So, here we are now. I authored this post. I asked my wife to read through my words as I typed this up over the course of a few days as I do not feel I could do this explanation justice in just one typing session. Also, phones take forever to create ANYTHING properly.

Thank you, Reader, for taking your time to take a look at my rantings, my fuck ups, or whatever you care call it.