I (32M) find myself in a dilemma with my wife (32F) and I hope to hear other opinions and/or advice.

We’ve been together for 11 years and married for five. We have a toddler. At the start of the pandemic we tried nonmonogamy; I had wanted to explore a hotwife dynamic but my wife wanted more solo interactions which eventually became poly. While this wasn’t what I wanted, I tried to force myself to be okay with it and she tried placating me with occasional threesomes with other guys. She wasn’t okay with me being open except for brief M-M interaction during a few threesomes. While a good learning experience, this period of time was very tough on my mental health and impacted my self esteem.

In early 2024 we moved to another state and immediately began expecting our child, so we both assumed that our foray into nonmonogamy was over. After my wife recovered from childbirth we had sex once per week, but the last few days my wife has been friskier than normal. Last night after we had sex for the second time in as many days, she brought up wanting to flirt/sext with her coworkers. She spoke primarily about one male coworker who is also married with kids. 

I was wary that this was her way of sliding back into dating other people, but she adamantly denied a desire to be poly; in her words, she gets off on receiving attention from other people and knowing they are turned on by her. Still skeptical of where this was going, I probed further and asked what she envisioned my role would be in all of this. She said that she thought I could help her take photos and that I would be turned on knowing that other men want her. 

I am perfectly fine never exploring NM again. Given that my desires are still there, I am also open to trying again provided the circumstances and rules are completely different than in our first go around. I am not, however, cool with my wife again doing her own thing with minimal if any participation on my part. I asked how she would feel if I was flirting/sexting with other women and she said she’d be okay with, even turned on by them showing interest in me but would feel threatened if I showed interest in someone else. 

I think this is a bit absurd. Men generally tend to be the initiators in heterosexual social interactions; it's unclear to me how she thinks I could somehow just start receiving female attention out of the blue. Her suggestion that perhaps “cougars” would go for me doesn't sound plausible. I’m sure she’ll have no shortage of men happy to send and receive pictures so they can jerk off, but I don’t think a comparable situation exists for me. From my experiences and observation, women are generally not interested in conversation limited to sexting/flirting and without the possibility of romantic development. The exception seems to be in the context of swinging or other sex-focused nonmonogamy. But this, as well as what my wife describes, is a two-way street. People give attention and receive attention in order to facilitate the flow of the interaction.

We are in the early stages of talking about all of this. She has assured me that she doesn’t need it, that our family is what's most important to her and that she loves me and wants me. I believe her, but I’m feeling very conflicted and don’t know how to proceed.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I would appreciate any thoughts you all have. Thank you for your time.