Some details changed for anonymity.

Married for 17 years, my(41M) wife(42F) casually broached the subject of opening up. Spent a year or so discussing. Then I had a turn first before she had one. Her rules were: use protection, don’t stay all night unless driving in the weather was dangerous to my life, tell her all about it. I had good time, drove back late in marginal weather, got home at 3AM after a 3.5 hrs drive. Used protection, told her every detail I could remember with commentary on how I was feeling and what I was thinking.

Our sex life was already great but really dialed up to 11 during this period. We just couldn’t get enough of each other.

Her turn: my rules are pretty much exactly the same, but I requested video. She gets a hotel room in a nearby city, and a guy meets her there. I’m nervous that night. I get one video late at night and then a text: apparently they didn’t discuss this at all but he has a really long drive home and would like to stay. I get that this is awkward in the moment and I’m not happy about it but I say I guess it’s up to her.

Next day she comes home and I get 5 videos about a minute each. I really do appreciate getting them. In them they clearly aren’t using protection. (Some context: she cannot become pregnant) I stop and ask what the hell? She says she completely forgot, even though I asked if she had them on her way out the door. Beyond those videos she’s willing to tell me almost nothing about the encounter other than they did “everything” and they did so in the evening, middle of the night, and again in the morning.

What was exciting and nervewracking now just has me mentally unbalanced and I try to initiate the homecoming sex I had fantasized about but can’t even perform. For the next 2 nights I try and cannot get it up even with viagra or cialis. I tell her to give me a little time and my mind will settle down and everything will be fine, but I could really use some extra reassurance that she loves me and wants me. She basically doesn’t acknowledge hearing that.

After a week I feel ready to go but she’s not feeling it for several nights in a row. No big deal. We have a romantic trip just the two of us planned, she’s talked about wanting to have great sex and she rented a remote 1 room cabin just for this. It’s all gonna be better then. The trip comes and I can’t coerce her into intimacy. She refuses to make out with me and we have sex but to say the least she is clearly not into it.

On the ride home I say I think we should be done with the open idea till we have our own intimacy figured out. And I say I’m especially bothered that a month later the last guy she made out with wasn’t me. She agrees and we delete our apps. I give her time and patience, then after a couple weeks I express some frustration but get nowhere.

A couple months after her hookup where we had unsuccessful sex the first couple nights after, grudging sex once, and I got a couple blowjobs, I decide I have to be the bigger one and quit moping about it and show her why she’s with me. I go all out for a week, rubbing her back every night, not bringing up sex, doing any favor she asks and letting her know she’s appreciated. After a week my frustration gets the better of me and I ask if we could try to have sex sometime soon. She says “ugh. I guess” and goes to sleep.

Next morning I’m cleaning her car like I volunteered to do the day before and she texts to ask why I’m being so nice. I tell her everything, that her non response to my asking for reassurance was a blow on top of a blow and the fact that the last guy she made out with was someone else almost 2.5 months ago is a huge issue for me. And getting pretty much cut off from sex starting that day really bothers me badly. I give her a brief accounting of my thoughts and actions since. She says I’m being dramatic about nothing. A fight ensues. I don’t want or need to go into all the details but she took no responsibility, I was very upset over something she said and I barely talked to her for the past week. Tried to open some communication a couple days ago, she said not talking to her was treating her like trash and I’m an asshole. Didn’t seem to hear me on any of my complaints.

Tonight I told her again how bothered I am and she rolled over and went to bed. She genuinely seems unable to believe that I have emotions that are in any way valid and I should just man up and forget about it. Pretty sure things would eventually go back to normal if I were capable of doing this but I’m human and it’s a barrier to feeling the same about her for me.

Is there any way forward here? I brought up marriage counseling tonight and she made it clear she doesn’t want to.

TL/DR: Wife has a poorly timed period of disinterest in sex and doesn’t want to acknowledge that I’m capable of having valid emotions. I Guarantee every comment says something unhelpful or “divorce her” so go ahead and write that. It’s obviously on my mind.

Update: We talked today. It was more productive. There is a lot more work to do but we’re both committed. Of course you’re only hearing my side, she pointed out a few things I’ve done and need to work on as well.