Trigger warning: I’m Married.

Now that we got that out of the way, Hi! I’m also morally questionable and looking for more than what I have because while what I have is truly a blessing it’s not everything I need. I’m sure you understand.

I shouldn’t be here, and I know that. But at this point, who cares? Enough is enough. Don’t get me wrong, my wife is a wonderful woman, and I love her dearly. But I’m in a room mate situation and a man that’s wired with such passion and expression cannot curb his enthusiasm for long. I do everything I do with limitless passion, because knowledge and adventure are the fuel for my soul. My own internal nuclear power plant. That means I have lots of energy and passion to give to you, if you want it.

While I may not be a world class husband, I am a good and decent man. I’m somebody that can be relied upon, to a fault. I will always put others above and before myself, because I am Profoundly broken.

I’m a great listener - I want to hear about your day every day. I’m gonna send you good morning texts and goodnight texts like clockwork. You will be genuinely cared for and cared about. Tell me about your kids, your besties, that woman at work you hate. I bet her name is Susan and she’s just the WORST, ugh I hate her already.

Fight with your husband? Your boss? Was your friend mean to you today? Come here, little one, rest your head (or ankles) on these big broad shoulders.

Ah a sex joke, he must be a perv. Fuck yeah I am. If you don’t want to be flirted with, cheered on, and showered in compliments I’m not the dude for you.

But I’m more than just a kind ear and comfortable shoulder - I also come fully equipped with the following factory options:

Eyes

A nose

A butt (It’s “meh” at best)

Hands and arms and legs and stuff

Genitals (Hey boy, what the PP do?)

Crippling anxiety (Yikes)

A completely fucked sense of humor (It’s worse than I’m making it seem)

White (Boring I know)

Bearded (It’s gorgeous)

A full head of hair

What I’m looking for:

A biological female to shower in love and affection and share a genuine relationship with. Somebody to connect with, somebody that hits me with that corny Hallmark movie spark - think “Christmas at the plaza”.

Somebody who is emotionally available.

Somebody who has TIME TO TALK. 3 brief messages during the weekdays and nothing on the weekend is NOT an affair. That’s like a forgetful prison penpal.

Somebody who wants to love as well as be loved.

Have a sense of humor or you’ll end up hating me. I’m gonna be working to make you laugh, because your joy gets me off.

No first timers, I used to be very open to that but for all the effort and genuine care I give I always just end up becoming their first annual ghosting victim.

Also, have your RetCon together.

If anyone here thinks any of this drivel was even slightly compelling shoot me a message and mention the number purple.