Hi there,

I'm glad you’re here. Married woman looking for a wild and steamy summer affair. Don't have pics in my profile, but I'm happy to reciprocate. I’m feeling a bit wild n spontaneous, and I'm looking for a cool guy who can check at least 10% of the following boxes: if you pass, please feel free to DM me.

1. You are known with dark and inappropriate humor. I'm talking like real dark. Like my mother would disown me if she heard you tell that joke dark.

2. You have broken at least 1 law in your life. Bonus points if you’ve been to jail. Negative points if you’ve been to prison.

3. Must be ok with you getting my name tattooed on your ass after our first date. (Won’t compromise on this one.)

4. I like maths, so you’ll have to pretend to be interested when I blabber on and about algorithms and theorems.

5. I'm a lousy photographer, so you gotta be ok being my subject in all my landscape shots

6. Must be a hufflepuff in the streets and a slytherin in the sheets

7. You don’t have to look like an Australian firefighter or anything, but please be able to at least give me a piggyback ride up a 6 mile mountain hike in under 1 hour.

8. Must be proficient in Microsoft Office and especially an expert in pivots in Excel. Points for AI as it's very trendy now.

9. Certified freak. 7 days a week

10. Be able to solve this math problem: 3x² 5 = 8

11. Own less than 5 cats or dogs or humans

12. Be able to talk dirty to me in swahili

13. Face tats and bald heads are a huge plus

Now, these are all dealbreakers to me. Having said that, I don’t care if you meet any of these criteria. Anyone is welcome to message me. 😜

Disclaimer: Kidding. No I'm not. Start your message with something witty. Be hwp. Be attractive not only because your grandma says so. Age appropriate. No cock-o-grams. Read between the lines.