Listen up peasants, I'm not your typical "I love hiking" guy. I'm what happens when a tech bro meets a music industry bad boy, adds a dash of prison time (the fancy white-collar kind, don't worry), and somehow ends up with horses. Yes, actual horses. They judge you too.

About the protagonist of this story (me):

• 38, married & kids - because having it all wasn't complicated enough
• Tech industry success story (after years of being an EDM DJ)
• 180cm / 6ft tall with a green BMI - I don't have a sixpack, in return you get that "I should probably exercise but I'm rich now" energy
• Homeowner with enough land to hide from my responsibilities
• Did time in prison (turns out "disruptive innovation" has legal limits)
• Professional work-life-family balance faker

You (apparently we need lists for everything):

• Age: Somewhere between "tech startup founder" and "has actual life experience"
• You need to be shorter than me, like by a lot. Between 5'4" - 5'6". But taller is also fine. Shorter too. Actually, I don't care, but apparently it's important to mention some height requirement.
• Must exist in a quantum state of both married and single - and a virgin
• Expected to respond instantly while being mysteriously unavailable
• Required to have both infinite patience and zero tolerance
• Someone with actual ambition beyond collecting Instagram followers
• Must appreciate both good decisions and spectacular failures
• Should enjoy conversations deeper than "hey" but lighter than existential crises

Warning: If you're here to promote your OnlyFans, then don't bother, I already have one.

Warning 2: I don't need crypto investment advice (I've already lost enough on digital hamster coins)

If you've read this far, please apply with a 100-word essay on why you think you can meet these completely reasonable standards.

I'm currently in the Central Standard Time (CST) timezone but that might change soon because apparently I can't make simple decisions either.