Trigger Warning: I’m Married.

I hope that made you laugh or smile, I like to kick off conversations with some humor. I find if you can make a woman laugh, she will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Any way!

Let’s jump into 5 fun facts about me:

1. I’m hella tall
2. I have a beard 3.I think it should be against the law to see a dog and not pet that dog.
3. I can’t count all the way to 5, so this is where this ends.

The Who:

I feel like in a sea of dongs I don’t really stand out. I sometimes chuckle when I read the things that get posted here “Looking for a man with washboard abs, tall, tattoos, happily married but hate your wife.”

Like lady, I get that you have standards but this is an adulterous subreddit on the sketchiest social media site in modern history. Do you think a lot of ab models are hanging out around here?

That being said, I only date women with less than .000001% body fat. Jk, could you imagine? Any way, just your average Joe here. I’m a passionate and thoughtful person, I really enjoy listening to stories and learning new things. I love to give advice, changed tires on the highway, just helping people in general is what makes me happiest. I’m also a good listener and very emotionally available! I want to know about your day, tell me your stories and let’s laugh together, tough days? I have big broad shoulders you can rest your head or your ankles on. And speaking about physical characteristics, I’m much more than just a nice pair of multi-function shoulders! In fact I have all the following parts and accessories:

A head

A face

A butt

Hands and arms and legs and stuff

Ears

A mouth

Genitalia (Hey boy, what that PP do?)

Hair (Head and bonus hairs other places)

Batteries Not Included unfortunately (Womp Womp)

Caucasian (Boring, I know)

The What:

A real relationship. Outside of our marriages we would be the other persons only AP. I know asking for exclusivity while married is silly and naive, but that’s what I’m looking for.

You should be a married, biologically female, emotionally available person of legal drinking age.

A spark. Not just any spark but the kind of cheesy spark you seen in a terrible Hallmark Christmas movie. The kind of spark that makes an attractive small town girl leave her big city corporate job to come back to East bum fuck to shove whipped cream into solidly average tasting donuts or some other stupid shit. The kind of thing you spend years and risk everything you’ve built to find.

Have time for me. If you can’t talk during the day or on weekends we won’t work out.

And this guy thought an Ab model was a big ask? Sheesh.

**When I say married I mean married. Not engaged or long term dating. M.A.D. Is what makes this all work, we both need to have skin in the game.

The Why:

Holy fuck I am profoundly lonely. This bedroom is dead. I can’t give everything that I want to give to just her I guess, I’m not wired that way. And there are things I need In my life she cannot or will not give me. Maybe you will, that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

In summation: What I’m doing is morally wrong, I acknowledge and accept that. Outside of that however, I do consider myself a good and honest man. I am kind, considerate, and I have a lot to offer. I travel all over for work so chances are we could even get coffee together sometime if that’s something you would be open to.

Girls who tell lame jokes to the front. **Mention the color 7 when you message me for double XP. *If you send a picture I will send back 2.