I made this account at the first break up. We had started an online affair a little over 2 years before. She was everything I said I'd avoid--a fair bit younger, single, and recklessly honest. Before, I had used affairs as a distraction and escape. But it was COVID, and she was persistent, so against my better judgment I continued chatting. Still not sure if that was a good or bad choice.

We stupidly fell in love. I stupidly told her everything. She stupidly believed I could provide what she needed. Our break up was long and wavering. During those periods I could post on here, trying to convince myself affairs are easily replaceable. But then we'd get back together.

Until earlier this year. It was clear this wasn't what she wanted or needed anymore. So I did the clean break--complete block, complete scrub. She lives only in my memory, in which I revisit her hopefully fewer and fewer times each day.

I turned back here. And found catharsis not in the affairs, but in the writing. A public journal where I could get real time responses, questions, and yes, even nude photographs. I enjoyed it. I still do. I thought this could be my outlet, at least until the next long term affair.

But I'm realizing I'm still infected by my past. It's not fair to the women who message me on here, expecting me to be the type of person I present in these posts. So many of us are equally lonely, but not all of us can fill that void. And at best I'm merely distracting myself with chats with others, and at worst I'm letting my chat partners down by realizing too late I'm not ready to give what they seek.

I'm addicted to affairs still. The thrill of a secret love, digital lust, and the taboo of it all is a high I still seek. Maybe I'm not ready to give it all up. But I need to be honest that I'm looking for a replacement of the woman for whom I broke all the rules, but I'm not ready to find her yet.

I'm often accused of being pretentious. This post doesn't disabuse of that charge. But I think at least some people enjoy reading, even if it's to take joy in the fact that such ostentatious assholes are out there.

I know the mods can be quite sticklers for the rules, so I'll say yes, I'm married, and yes, I'm looking for an affair. I just don't know when.

This is not an apology. This is not an invitation for sympathy. This is merely the last post in my online journal for 2024. Not sure if I'll bring it with me to 2025 or burn it to leave the ashes behind. But I wanted to write one entry.

Thanks for your indulgence and time. And happy new year.