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The holidays are approaching at breakneck speed. Children across the country are being traumatized by drunken, bearded old men for photo ops. Perhaps you’re about to spend hours buried in wrapping paper, wondering where your life went wrong. You may, at one point, find yourself stuck at another awkward family gathering, ignoring passive aggressive comments and avoiding Aunt Kathy’s mystery dip.
What if I told you there was another way to survive the slog that doesn’t involve drowning your sorrows in eggnog?
Here’s the deal: I’m assembling a team for a once-in-a-lifetime heist. The target? Your heart. The payoff? A whole lot of sarcastic banter, late-night philosophical debates, and expertly planned people-watching stakeouts.
I’m a 36-year-old Midwest native, a BBW with a sharp tongue, a love of books, and a knack for overcomplicating plans in the best way. I’ve got the blueprints (they may or may not involve snacks and road trips), but I’m missing a crucial element: a partner in crime.
What I’m looking for: A quick-witted co-conspirator with a sense of humor and the ability to think on their feet. Must be comfortable with high-stakes brainstorming sessions at 3 a.m. An appreciation for a little chaos wouldn’t hurt, either. No prior heist experience required, but kindness and charm are non-negotiable assets.
If you’re ready to plan the most daring adventure of all—complete with bookshops as safehouses and coffee as contraband—let’s plot our next move. Who knows? This could be the greatest caper of our lives.
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