TL;DR- I am looking for the perfect man while being incredibly flawed

I affair differently than some so if it's not your thing please don't waste our time. I say that but I am posting an ad right as the holidays are coming up, I have an incredibly busy next 4 days, and in a weird spot mentally but sometimes you just have to say fuck it. You never know what you might find unless you try, right? I apologize now if I waste our time. I'm looking to add a boyfriend to my life not just keep him in a bubble. Yes, this takes time to develop trust but I want us to add to each others lives not just be a completely separate part. Fight with the wife? I'll be the woman's perspective, a sounding board, void, or anything you need. Kids get an award in school? I will cheer them on from your pocket. I want to celebrate Valentines Day, anniversaries, birthdays, just because gifts, and anything else a relationship has to offer except the public aspect. Not only because I am looking for online but also I am not a demolitions expert and do not want to blow up our lives. If you share finances, aren't into full blown relationships, or if your wife checks your phone please don't try and start something.

About me: I'm the nicest asshole, blunt, sarcastic, funny, not offended easily, and have been told my personality is more like hanging out with a man than any woman. My Spotify wrapped makes it look like I have no life (my day list looks like 10 people share the account) but it's not wrong. I love sports, video games, and being outdoors. I'm "in shape" (not great but the right angle I look like it) with curves in the right places but kids gave me my tiger stripes and riddled me with stretch marks. I got bonus ones on my thighs too. So if perfect body without the mom look is your thing I'm not her. You'll see me more without makeup than with, I have tattoos, and a septum ring so if you aren't into that either please don't respond.

What I'm looking for: Please be attractive to most people you come in contact with and not to a select few. I like to stick to close to my age and similar body type give or take a few years/pounds. If I am going to stray from that it would be to the gym rat side and not overweight. Although if you look like a greek god I won't think you're attracted to me and insecurities will show. I do enjoy a dad bod but please look up that definition before replying. Men that are 5'8 and weigh 240 are not a dadbod. Personality wise I can get along well with just about anyone. We don't need a million things in common to build a connection. I can support you and your love of disc golf but I will never get into it myself. I typically get along well with people in the medical field, military, LE, or any career that you need dark humor to survive. I need someone with a backbone and not just a "yes" man or I will run over you and not respect you. I will lose any type of attraction that was built up. Does that mean I always want a fight? No, it means I value your opinion.

I know I'm asking a lot and if you look at my history I do not think I deserve it so I'm hoping you prove me wrong. I need someone that will at MININUM match my effort. I understand I'm not the highest priority but I need to be high on the list. I'm needy as well so please have time to put into this. I know Christmas is right around the corner but I will still be around. I typically and in bed and awake early but I do like to catch up on sleep on weekends. If you're still here I'm honestly shocked but I'm sure there are more details to work out eventually.