I won't sugar coat this post.

I'm a bit of a mess emotionally (perhaps we all are)...feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people, feeling invisible even when I am looked at, feeling unheard even in those rare instances where I manage to speak up for myself.

Sometimes the loneliness reaches such a crescendo that I just want to find an empty void I can scream into until all my energy is gone. Maybe that's what this place is, a vacuum of space that can at least swallow up all that angst and pain, and not scream back at you.

Except, I guess there's still some slightly optimistic part of me that wants more than just silence in return...I'd like a friend. A friend that knows the kind of pain I am awkwardly trying to describe. A friend that can sometimes sit in the sadness with you, or perhaps even help you escape it a bit, if only for a little while.

And I long for the kind of friendship where we can explore with each other intimately. Admittedly, that aspect of my life has been in cryostasis for so long that I scarcely remember what it was like. But oh how I long for the kind of connection where two open minded people can just let their minds go and explore wherever that road takes them.

So if you've made it this far in my rambling post, there you have it....a rather emotionally broken guy, crying out into space, hoping his words resonate with someone else. Apart from the aforementioned melancholy, I'm not such a bad guy. Early 40s, regular gym goes, not too hard to look at, professional, literate, lover of books, lover of wilderness, exceptional at bar trivia, and the inventor of a cocktail that a writer for Esquire magazine once described as "hey, that's not half bad."

If you want the recipe, or better yet, if you want the kind of friendship I'm clumsily trying to describe, send me a note.