Hello to whoever’s bored enough to read this,

I’m a 38-year-old business owner who’s apparently not busy enough ruining my own life, so I’m hoping to find an online “connection” that’s equally void of joy and satisfaction. Ideally, I’d love to meet someone who’s emotionally unavailable, prone to wild mood swings, and actively looking to add chaos to their already questionable decision-making.

About Me:

• Age: 38, though it feels like I’ve been alive for centuries. Running a business has aged me faster than dog years. I’m basically a walking existential crisis wrapped in business casual.
• Appearance: Imagine the physical embodiment of a Monday morning. I might be presentable on the surface, but beneath it? Exhaustion, caffeine dependency, and the creeping suspicion that I left my soul somewhere in the office break room.
• Personality: Cynical, jaded, and armed with just enough dark humor to mask the crushing weight of responsibility. I specialize in making conversations feel like HR meetings—long, awkward, and best forgotten. If you’re looking for emotional depth, I can offer you a solid 3 inches before we hit rock bottom.
• Occupation: I’m a business owner, so I’m really good at making everything about work. There’s nothing sexier than someone who can complain about quarterly reports and the price of toner, right?

What I’m Looking For (Or Not, Whatever):

• Someone needy and clingy with a penchant for sending long, dramatic messages at 3 AM. If your love language is passive-aggressive texts, we’ll probably get along great.
• Flirty banter? Not for me. Let’s keep it serious and dull. If I catch you smiling, we’ve gone too far. I prefer conversations that feel like navigating a tax audit: confusing, stressful, and leaving you with more questions than answers.
• If you’ve got a talent for turning minor issues into life-altering crises, let’s escalate things unnecessarily and then act like everything’s fine. Bonus points if you’ve got a flair for catastrophizing.

Boundaries (Or Lack Thereof):

• Privacy? Let’s ignore that. I’ll overshare within minutes, and I expect you to do the same. Let’s fast-track this disaster by swapping emotionally charged life stories we’ll both regret telling.
• I’m definitely not interested in keeping things strictly online. In fact, please insist on meeting in real life, despite my complete lack of interest. Let’s make this as uncomfortable as humanly possible.

So, if you’re looking for a relationship that’s guaranteed to leave both of us wondering why we started this in the first place, drop me a message. Who needs lighthearted fun when we can spiral into emotional chaos together?

Looking forward to the inevitable crash-and-burn, message me, or don’t.