Okay, maybe not a “crisis,” but it’s in the realm.

Nothing is wrong. Everything is good. And in that, everything seems wrong.

My basic animalistic markers for attraction: I’m a 6’2” fit white guy. Clean shaven but with a chronic 5 o’clock shadow despite my best efforts. Short, professional haircut. My closet is navy, black, and forest green sweaters and button-downs. I have the body of someone who runs 20 miles per week and buys ice cream only in pints because, holy shit, HAVE YOU HAD ICE CREAM??? HOW DO WE NOT ALL EAT THIS ALL THE TIME? No tattoos, but thinks once a month “why don’t I have any tattoos?” I’ve had a single Redditor tell me I’m not handsome and I respected the hell out of her for saying so. I used to post nude photos to Reddit for attention but that was always then a LOT of attention.

My less visible traits: I prefer wine to anything manly. I follow sports and the stats and bets associated with them, but I rarely watch the actual games. I consider myself a reader and feel I don’t read enough. I love hosting parties and making people feel welcome and part of something, only for me to then collapse later that night because I’m an introvert and that shit is exhausting, man. I think animals are amazing, incredible things—please don’t make me pet one. I believe emphatically that Hereditary is one of the greatest films of all time.

As for you: confident, self-assured, but you also like to know you have someone’s attention. You don’t sweat the small stuff, and almost all of it is small stuff. In the worst moments, you still believe that—in general, overall, for the most part—the world is a pretty neat place.

You’re the mom bod to my dad bod. You’re like me in that your dress-down outfits still require a check in the mirror to make sure you’re not slovenly, even if your agenda for the day is “couch.” You wear heels despite how uncomfortable they are because you know how good you look in them. You have a risqué aide you’d like to reactivate, but you’re very, very, very careful. People say you have beautiful eyes. And you know this.

You excuse Redditors who post long messages with the occasional typo, because you know they’re doing it on their phone and that it’s not the friendliest interface to go back and change your work.

You’re comfortable texting for awhile, and at some point jumping on the phone, then doing video calls, and then meeting up years from now. Or ghosting me. Let us remember that that is always an option.

Best of luck to you as you scroll these personal posts on OA. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m actually serious on that.