Oh, here I am, posting again, hoping this scrolling nightmare of an app finally coughs up someone to fill the existential void. Because, apparently, finding a decent AP is somehow more complicated than assembling IKEA furniture. But hey, you get the exclusive, undivided attention of a phone-bound, work-from-home champ! So no worries, you’ll never have to sit around wondering why I haven’t texted back—I’m essentially my own personal phone ghost. And please, don’t hit me with any cookie-cutter "Netflix and chill" offers; I’m looking for that mythical “real connection.” You know, like a fairy-tale romance but way more sarcasm, fewer enchanted mice, and maybe a lot more dark humor because honestly, who’s got time for all the drama?

Anyway, stats for your consideration: I’m 35, repping full dad mode with two kids on the West Coast. Time zones? Whatever. Sleep? Overrated. I’m up way too early anyway. I’m 6 feet, got some ink, rocking a beard, and rocking that “fit-ish” energy—just fit enough to be interesting without the misery of actually being a gym rat. I live for sarcastic banter and have mastered the art of the well-timed dark joke. Ambitious, confident, and rumored to be a great listener—or at least I’ve perfected the nod and smile.

And you? Ideally, you can handle sarcasm without flinching and are somewhere in the 25-50 range. Extra points if you’ve got a thing for trashy reality TV, like Love is Blind (we can claim it’s "for the psychology" as we binge). I’m game for virtual dates, early morning conversations about life’s deep mysteries—like why true crime documentaries are so oddly soothing. So if you’re up for some sharp wit and mutual weirdness, who knows, maybe this’ll finally be the last time I’m hopelessly typing out a bio.