Dear Hiring Manager/prospective OA partner,

I am applying for the position of OA partner, and I believe that your exhaustive search is over! I am well-suited for this position and I will now list my overwhelming qualifications (I apologize in advance for my lack of brevity - my candidacy must be covered in extreme detail):

• Male - according to google, some females are attracted to males, and vice-versa, so that's one huge point on my side
• 37 years old - I've seen enough of life to understand a modicum of it, while also retaining my youthful exuberance
• Father - I can pivot between Fun Wrestling Dad and Stern Rule-Enforcer at the drop of a hat; this role also has honed my patience to an incredible level, though it mysteriously seems to abruptly disappear whenever I watch my son attempt to eat his food without talking/complaining/getting distracted/asking about dessert/saying it's yucky
• Runner - This one speaks for itself: I can unnecessarily put up with self-imposed pain for continuous periods, repeatedly. Imagine the mental fortitude I must have to do this to myself?
• Attentive - I'm capable of responding to messages throughout the day. AND evening. Mostly. And even on weekends! And it will be 95% free of grammar and spelling mistakes (the missing 5% is because I doggedly refuse to let auto-correct tell me what I want to write)
• Romantic - If this were a video game, and my various skills/attributes could be boiled down to a Level, I would be Level 99 (just under my Intelligence, which is Level 100). I'm essentially irresistible, both from an emotional and physical level. On an unrelated note, my Humility is also Level 100 - just wanted you to know
• Educated - Forget about the framed certificates collecting dust in the bottom of my closet from accredited institutions; I'm talking about titillating trivia, fun facts, and marvellous minutiae
• Open-minded - Let me assuage your immediate concern: I don't have a hole in my brain. Rather, my open-mindedness more pertains to being open to connecting with an OA partner of wide-ranging locations, ages, and marital statuses

No doubt by now I have you at the edge of your seat, dying to know more about me, so while you're there, could you kindly send me the OA partner agreement form for me to sign? Much appreciated. I look forward to working with you.

OH and one more thing: while I don't live in the U.S., I would never vote for Trump. Just had to stay topical!