I'm a man who knows what he wants and I’m not going to be apologetic about it. Don’t message me crying because you aren’t what I’m looking for or because you almost make the cut.

Now to get to it. Ahem.

If you have a glass eye then you’re out. I'm just not into it. The whole time we’re talking I'm not really even listening to you and instead I’m just wondering where tf you left your missing eye. And lord even knows what it's seeing right now.

Secondly, no wooden peg legs. I hate to just put a blanket ban on all women with wooden peg legs because I’m sure some are fine (I just rolled my eyes so hard), but every one I run into has a normal, boring, plain ol peg. You think you can score with me if all you’ve done is shove a Lowe’s 2x4 up your leg’s ass? You need to learn how to whittle or etch or something to decorate that thing up. I’m tired of the lack in creativity within the women-with-wooden-peg-legs community. Show some fucking effort. I'm not asking you to turn into Geppetto and sculpt Pinocchio out of the thing, but at least entice me a little.

While we’re talking about appearance, if your selfies more closely resemble a screenshot of a Disney/Pixar character than a real life human person with normal human skin and texture then I’m just returning with photos of Lord Farquaad from Shrek. And that’s a double kick in the ovaries since Shrek is Dreamworks.

Lastly, I’m not trying to talk with anyone that thinks the proper response to “Hello?” after they’ve answered your call is “Hey.” Why make them say “hey” again? Why? Why do you do this? Stop it.

Now if you can get on board with that, drop me a line. Even better if you include a photo; seriously, quit acting like physical attraction isn’t important. Full frontal nudity hellos are the best hellos (not in a creeper way; I just mean, ya know, like the way you say hi to someone at the bank, for instance).

Okay, I’m done; that’s it.