When it ends

Things are fine, everything feels normal and the last little while has been a dream come true. How lucky you feel, how honoured and appreciated, you can't imagine what could happen to ruin what you have... until the first time your heart doesn't flutter at the sight of their text. No biggy, you think, I'm just tired, I'm just busy, I'll message later.

And you do...

And it's fine...

Until the next time it happens, but you brush that off too. It's just a small feeling, like a sigh, or a shrug, and it passes so quickly that you don't bother worrying. Things have been crazy lately, and you just need a little time to recharge. No need to worry... until it happens again...

This time you feel it. The fear and anxiousness stick to you... You know something changed . The feeling is absent and it's as if you reached for something only to find it's not there. Where did it go? You just had it. Where could it have gone?

There must be a reason you feel this way, and you know it isn't them. Something must be going on with you, but what? You feel like you're reaching into the dark to find answers, it's frustrating and fruitless, but you have to keep trying.

Over time it becomes obvious that you have a problem, things are changing but you haven't let them see it. Do you tell them? Do they deserve to know? What is it that you have found out exactly? Should you worry them over something like this? No, you're going to find it and everything is going to be fine. Everything is fine.

You double your efforts to become intimate, you stoke the the fire as much as you can. It's in you somewhere, you just can't find it right now, it's coming back... It has to.

At the time you don't realize it's not just desperation to hang on, it's denial. A denial you need to stop from accepting the horrible truth, that the end is coming and it's all your fault. A truth that you can't face yet, because you can't bare the thought of what it will do to them, and what you will lose when its over.

Until the day you can't avoid it anymore. Something you've never felt before happens when you see their message. You're frustrated, even reading what they've said bothers you. You can't see that it's not them, it's you. You're frustrated that it hasn't come back, that they still feel it and you don't. Are they better than you? Can they weather storms you can't? Are you broken? You certainly feel broken.

You know that you have to tell them but you don't feel you can do it. I've never ghosted before but I imagine this is where people decide they have to. Who wants to be responsible for the end? You are about to devastate someone who let you so deeply into their lives. Who wants to plunge the knife into the heart of a person who has done no wrong? Someone who trusted you, who is still on the ship you built together. Someone who won't understand what has happened when you finally take the plunge.

But you know you can't leave them waiting for you. You have to be honest, even if it kills you inside.

You open that chat and tell them it's over, you try to explain but you can feel their panic and confusion. All the time you've had to contemplate this is completely absent for them and the shock they feel is profound. The knife drives straight in, and you have no choice but to watch them thrash about, trying to make sense of what you've done. Maybe you cry, maybe you want to cry but you can't, either way there's a part of you that can't believe what you've done. How could you do this? Why can't you just make it work? What kind of monster are you...

You apologize but to them it feels as genuine as a muderer saying sorry while they drown them. They are overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy, rejection and betrayal. You try to tell them that they are amazing, and special, but they don't care, because they know it can't be true, or you wouldn't be doing this. You want to explain that it isn't them, it's you... That you don't know how it happened, that you tried, that you still care.

But all they hear is that they weren't enough for you... And you don't want to accept it but... :'( they are right...

The guilt you feel is nothing short of extraordinary.

It doesn't matter if you are the problem, it doesn't matter if you are the monster, it doesn't matter if you have a good reason, or you are doing what's best for you or them. The result is the same... They didn't make the cut, and they lost you. That's all that matters to them... And who could blame them.

Maybe they get angry, maybe they run away and never speak to you again, maybe they tell you they knew a while ago, but didn't want to accept it. Either way, it's killing you and you want so badly to take it back... But you can't, it's the truth, and things would never be the same anyway.

In the following days you fight the urge to message them and take it back, but what does that even mean? Are you going to lie? Are you going to break their trust to spare their feelings? Even if you wanted to... Who the hell could do that forever?

Besides, you've done enough damage... It's time to accept it and move on. But how do you accept what you've just done? How do you prevent it from happening again? How do you live with the pain you caused?

You feel so guilty you tell yourself you'll never do it again...