If you’re an optimist, it’s spring and the mornings are getting lighter. Or you’re fucking freezing your bits off and it’s definitely still winter.

Every day is a new dawn where you count your blessings according to some hideously annoying twat on Instagram or maybe the world is fucked, littered with conflict mad Vlad is still going at it with Ukraine and ‘The Donald’ is back in the picture; so another day feeling invisible, under appreciated and listening to Linda in accounts talk about her latest bout of aggressive thrush doesn’t make life feel like the blessing.

So, if you’ve not dived out of this post to call the divorce lawyer or The Samaritans then maybe you’re the type of person I would like to speak to.

Fine, I am not going to run off into the sunset with you, I might meet you if geography and the connection is right and whilst I have no desire to change your situation - I want you to feel some uplifting feelings; be heard, have a laugh, feel inspired and desired because the reality of a marriage or long term relationship that is entrenched in ‘friend zone’ with the oft wheeled out ‘dead bedroom’ situation can be a bit of a dark place.

So, a bit about me. I take each day as a blessing. No! Course I don’t, leave that shit to the beautiful bastards on Insta. I have friends, confusingly I am popular, I have a decent life but I am unseen and I speak yet go unheard - you probably are too.

I reckon I am a solid 6-7/10. I know what you’re thinking, “don’t go into sales because I wouldn’t buy what you’re selling” but I have read a lot of shit here like:

• “I’m handsome” - says who? Your mum? She would tell you that.

• “Dadbod” - no, you’ve got more folds than an origami convention.

“I’m athletic” - watching an event doesn’t burn calories my man

“Well hung” - lying about inches is why you then moan that women can’t park vehicles, be honest.

So, where was I, I am really tall. Like about 68% the height of an Asian elephant (course I googled it), I work out daily. I do not have the physique of one of those Greek bod monuments but if I look down I can see my feet and my penis (it’s fairly big and it has a good girth - I have testimonials and I take feedback very seriously as it will stand me in good stead for middle management), I have glasses, green eyes and short but thick beard - I look like a hybrid of a bit of a data geek that was twinned with a Viking warrior (again, taken from one of the testimonials).

What do I want?

• someone 25 , need some maturity about you
• someone who knows life is not all rainbows and unicorns
• have a sense of humour
• have time, if I wanted a one way conversation I would carry on as I am
• say more than one or two words at a time; seriously nothing kills a brain boner or a conversation quicker
• flirtation and perversion: if you’re the right person, in time and definitely not today right now
• in time be willing share a pic. Again, not right away but if you don’t then I’ll assume you’re a truck driver called Bob, then I’ll wonder if you’ve got a bigger phallus than me and I have enough issues as you’ve probably already established
• in reasonable shape; so you didn’t make the Olympic team, that’s cool. Life ages us and we have scars that define; love that. Personally, BBW/SSBBW is not my thing; just doesn’t float my boat.

What will put you off of me, if the rambled BS above hasn’t already:

• I don’t have kids. I don’t care if you do or don’t but for some it’s a dealbreaker on here that I’ve not sowed my seed liberally in a fertile “mate”
• I have a beard, some of you really hate it, I think you’re scared that we don’t wash it, hide snacks in or harbour rare colonies of bat in it.
• You want 24/7 serious: God, keep going you’ll hate me. Caveat - I can be serious, sensible, cautious and I give good balanced advice.

So, I am going to stop rambling and pass out as it’s still super early in the day. Imagine my disappointment when I return to downvotes, lots of views and no messages. Oh Jesus, it will be like the time I found out ‘Lord of the Rings’ wasn’t an adult movie.

If you got here, you’re a fucking goddess and you probably even know what sightseeing is called for blind folk.