You don’t have to meet them ALL, but two thirds or more would be ideal. And I’ve put them in no particular order.

1. If there was a raffle, and first prize was the chance to kick Donald Trump Junior in the nuts five times, in footwear of your choosing, you'd buy every fucking ticket.

2. You don’t have any phobias, and that worries you greatly.

3. You feel sorry for the last little bit of cereal in the box, so you make sure it gets in your bowl and not thrown out.

4. You know that mayonnaise does not belong on a cheeseburger.

5. You’d be willing to come to Tennessee with me and hold the camera while I complete item number one on my bucket list- I want to go to a train station somewhere up the line from Chattanooga, and when a train pulls in I want to approach a couple guys chatting and say “Pardon me boys, is that the Chattanooga Choo Choo?”

6. You won't steal my mug that says "Anything is a dildo if you're brave enough."

7. You go on a first date to a theatrical production of The Diary of Anne Frank, with a guy you think could be ‘the one’. It’s the scene where the German soldiers enter the house and begin looking around. Suddenly, your date stands up and shouts “She’s in the attic!!” Everyone in the theatre, including the actors, turn and stare. What do you do? Write 250 words to justify your course of action.

8. You won’t mind if my mother interviews you before giving us the OK to proceed, but don't worry, it's just a formality. Just nod and smile when she tells you how she used to dress me as a girl and expects you to do the same.

9. You promise not to laugh at my collection of signed Osmond Brothers memorabilia.

So if you can jibe with six or seven of those, by all means please do send a chat. I promise I WILL respond in a timely fashion (and if Mother says it’s OK).

Thx!