Hi! I know this is probably going to sound really weird maybe, I'm really nervous about it and I don't really know how to start it so here goes. I've been kind of obsessed with older guys lately. I just know that's the kind of guy I want to end up with one day. I guess I've always liked older guys but in just like a dreamy kind of way, nothing for real.

I always just kinda thought it was just like in movies and stuff where an older guy can end up with a girl like me and not be some abusive thing. But then I started actually seeing that these kinds of relationships are real, and I'll admit I got kinda jealous. I relate so much to them in secret. A lot of them say like oh I never thought I'd do this kind of thing but he treats me so good and I think it's so hot and it honestly just seems amazing. The more I saw that stuff the more I wanted to see more. I can't talk about it with anyone I know though because I'm so nervous about getting judged for it and people don't really see me as that kind of girl at all or whatever. I've always been told I seem like a lot older than I look and I also get along better with older people than guys my age. Even at church and stuff I'll have parents I get along with asking if I wanted to date their son or whatever even if I barely know him!

I've been working up the courage more and more to like be more sexy or talk more sexy and all that, but all that's just making the obsession worse. But today I had an actual kind of older stranger say hi and start talking to me in the library cafe but I didn't really know what to say and got anxious and eventually he left. I mean I know nothing would have happened anyway and I don't even know if I ACTUALLY wanted something to happen anyway, but I did feel kind of sad like I missed out on something??

So I wanted some practice I guess of talking and flirting with an older guy that's into me. It doesn't have to be all about like sex and stuff, I want to talk about more than that too. I want someone that's nice and patient but also someone that I can share the really secret and private sexual side that I can't share with other people in my life. I don't know if I want to actually ever be a thing and meet up or whatever, at least no for now, so really what I want is someone online that I can talk to about the things I can't talk about with other people. My mom always says the best way to get a song out of your head is to listen to that song over and over so it's like maybe if I just actually talk to an older guy I'll stop obsessing over it??

Honestly even writing this out and reading it like five times again I feel a lot better. Some of those relationships I know that are like that always talk abouy his little secret and her big secret and I guess I just want someone to be my big online secret!