Everytime this time of the year draws near I can’t help but feel depressed, and everything is attacking me at all sides. People are screaming sa bahay and home is nowhere to be found. Even with my friends I do not feel like I belonged.

Everyone is screaming here. Last year ganito rin. Hindi ko alam bakit hindi ko magawang maging masaya. At the time of the year where it’s supposed to be festive, all I feel is hopelessness, anger, resentment. I hate it here. I hate existing.

I’ve been keeping these feelings inside for as long as I remembered. I just compartmentalize and try to survive everyday. Ang unfair, yung ibang tao parang madali nilang nakukuha ang happiness habang ako parang laging kinukuhaan ng happiness. My body is so tired from trying to survive all the time. Ayoko na mapressure. I don’t want to exist, I just want to sleep for a long time.

Before new year ang tanging resolution ko lang ay magpakamatay pero somehow hindi natutuloy. It’s getting bad, the urge to self harm is creeping in.

Fuck. Nakakapagod, I want to tear my ears off from my head everytime I hear my biological father’s goddamn voice.