Is it normal to feel this way? If may pre-wedding jitters, meron din bang pre-birthday jitters? Lol

This isn't the first time I felt this way. I've been in and out of depression since God knows when. (not clinically diagnosed but f*ck it.)

I'm having thoughts of surrendering to life. Ilang nights na rin na winiwish ko na sana di na ko magising and I'm waking up every morning saying "t*ngina nagising ka pa rin." I know I should be grateful but I guess some people who hadn't had this disease wouldn't understand.

I tried multiple times to hurt myself just to divert my mind not to listen to the voices in my head. I guess physical pain is much easier to heal than mental.

As much as I want to end it here, hindi ko magawa. Naduduwag ako. Like pano kung di ko matuloy then maoospital lang ako? Waste of effort, lakas ng loob, time, money for recovery. And hindi ko rin talaga magawa bc naaawa ako sa next life ko. I know for sure kung sino man ako next life siya yung mapunish for my poor behavior if ever ituloy ko.

So yeah, here I am, having another f*cking year on Earth. Another year of misery and disappointments.