Reddit keeps removing my post lol so anywaaaay

There's nothing wrong in crying, I know. I mean hello? That's just one of the things that makes you a human. I hate being highly sensitive because I once entered my robot stage already. Umiikot na lang sa trabaho, college, pera ang buhay ko. Typical na alipin ng kapitalismo.

Last year, I started dating random ppl on reddit. I just got out of a toxic relationship kaya go lang. Siyempre filtered naman pero YOLO, I don't care if anything bad will happen. Buti pa body count nagraise, sa salary hindi. Nauubos ko pera ko sa bad habits, drinking, smoking, and sleeping with ppl. I used to believe that the only type of love and affection that I deserve or I will ever receive is through sleeping with ppl. Of course, it's something I shouldn't be proud of.

Just this year, I met this brave young lady on reddit. I think second or third meetup, we went to Baguio agad for almost a week, very impulsive but we knew each other more. Lakas maka VIVA Films ng story. Baguio as strangers, holding hands sa Burnham Park, umuwi ng almost lovers lol. Then a few months passed, I realized I've fallen. I hate being vulnerable kasi it makes my heart race so fast and malala headaches ko.

Fast forward to now, she asked for a break. I knew she was overwhelmed, at fault din ako dahil mas umikot sa akin ang relationship. I forgot that we're still two different individuals. Iba buhay niya, iba buhay ko. That we still need to grow apart. There's nothing wrong in being concerned but I crossed the line. She also said sorry because she can't adjust and give more time for me.

We met last night and had an actual closure. How brave of her to say all those things. Ilang months niya din inipon. But y'know what, I'd rather lose the conversation than losing her. I wanna meet her sana to ask for a second chance and make things okay kasi I finally realized everything. And also I wanna give her the concert tickets I bought for next yr plus her coffee, I know how much she loves Spanish latte.

Totoo pala, you never know what you have until you lose it. Tho she said I can still msg her, pero I wanna give her the rest she wants. She has too much on her plate na din. We both deserve to rest, and I don't know maybe in the future, meet again? I guess we'll use this time to grow on our own. Lakas maka Alone Together lol. And until then, siya pa din wallpaper ko sa phone.

Now here's me, breaking down every minute. Crying myself to sleep and halos masuffocate na. Tinamaan na nga. Imagine working so hard to stop those vices and now we're here again. I don't really wanna date again or sleep with anyone, I just want to explore and enjoy life.

Kaso the sad thing is here is that I don't have close friends to talk to, I have batchmates and workmates but I rarely talk to them about my sentiments. For most of them, ako ang nakikinig at nag aadvice. Plus, that used to be my responsibility sa previous job ko, listen to ppl and cheer them up. Ngayon it's the other way around.

How can I get out of this cycle? I wanna feel alive but I'm scared to make new decisions. Feeling ko isang galaw ko lang mali agad.